Shmedliest Smatch

I watch Deadliest Catch on the Discovery Channel a lot. A whole lot. It is such that I have to masturbate while watching the show, or I won’t get in my 5.5 required hours of penile abuse.

What I’ve noticed during these sweaty, heavy breathing viewings is that every show is exactly the same. Por ejemplo:

STEP 1: Crusty, rich fishermen try to catch King Crab

STEP 2: Bad shit happens to crusty, rich fisherman: freezing weather, people falling overboard, attempted anal rape by fellow lonely, crusty fishermen, etc. Why would Jesus H. God put such tasty crustaceans in such a taint of a place?

STEP 3: CRF (crusty, rich fishermen) catch crab. There is much rejoicing and celebratory banter.

STEP 4: I don’t give a shit, go back to step one. It’s fucking cold.

After pumping myself up (get it? It’s another masturbation joke, which brings our total up to 7!) I decided that this is a job that I could surely do. Deadliest Catch? More like Shmedliest Smatch! Ball’s in your court Discovery.

So I got a plane ticket as soon as possible to what Crab Wranglers call Lucifer’s Country Breakfast, or in layman’s terms, Alaska.

A kindly old crabbin’ cap’n was willing to let me on his boat. This is a minute-by-minute account of my tenure on his intimidating fishing boat, The Kinky Mongoose.

8:04 AM: The Mongoose leaves port. I feel that this may be a worthwhile venture for my constitution. The sun rises red. I think I read somewhere that this is a good sign! Or maybe it was in The Goonies, I can’t remember.

8:06 AM: The deck boss teaches me how to cut up cod for bait. I admire the deck boss. He reminds me of Jack Palance if Jack Palance wasn’t so fucking creepy.

8:17 AM: I die thrashing from hypothermia after falling overboard into the icy, briny deep. My corpse will be picked clean by the wily creatures I sought to catch and eventually dip in butter. Surely my bones will bleach upon the shore of some Aleutian Island where an Inuit woman will use my pelvis to clean a caribou for her newborn son. Fucking bitch.

That’s all I really have to say on the subject for right now. Tune in next time for…I don’t know…more dick jokes?