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105%-O-Matic

105% Issue #24

by 105%-O-Matic on


105% – The Opposite of News

I like big butts, and I cannot tell a lie.
-George Washington
-Jeremy Gundel
Prelude to Disappointment
“Sweet, The Importance of Being Earnest. This will be even better than Slam Dunk Ernest.
- Tom Sunnergren
Guy who created Dramatic Chipmunk clip goes to a bar:
Yeah, then I added the music and I was like, you know what? This is gonna be huge. Hello? Where are you going? Come Ba— damn.
-Amir B.
I fear Smokey the Bear has put too much faith in my fire fighting abilities.
-Streeter Seidell
They say no news is good news. That is, unless you work at a newspaper.
-Neil Padover
It is unacceptable to dress up your pet in silly outfits, unless you own an orangutan.
-Jeff Rubin
In beer pong, it’s not about winning or losing. It’s about giving it your all, trying your best. It’s about giving 220 proof.
-Evan Kovarik
Sassy Helen Keller
“Talk to the hand, ‘cause the face was rendered immobile by scarlet fever.”
-Patrick Cassels
I was dating an Asian girl for two years, but it turned out I was cheating on her the whole time.
-Cortez
Daniel Pearl’s Wife in 2000
Wife: I wish to be played by Angelina Jolie in a movie.
Evil genie: Your wish is my command! MUAHAHAA!
Wife: Awesome, my girlfriends are going to be so jealous.
-Brian Paulsen
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Orange Squares

Two years ago I get assigned a roommate from Bangladesh. Its his first time ever out of his country. His first words to me were Hello how tastes it. Interesting start right. Two days later i walk in to see cheese slices all over the walls. The cheese slices have writing on them. I confront him about it and he tells me he thought they were post it notes. Apparently they do... Read More » not have dairy in back home because he had never seen cheese before. Days after that he blows up the microwave by putting a pot of eggs in it. It is at this point that I give up on the guy. After a few weeks I notice his part of the dorm smells like ass so I confront him about it. He then goes on to explain that he has been waiting for the servants to come by for his laundry. Of all the people why did I get this guy? In the three months I lived with him he washed once and never quite understood that we did not have servants and that Americans utilize cows.