Daniel and Five Asshole Internet Commenters Watch Your Family's Home Movies

Daniel: Alright, first here we have my Parents Wedding Video. This was an…

“First” Commenter: FIRST!

Daniel: What?

“First” Commenter: First, I was the first to say something.

Daniel: Umm…right…anyway…..my parents married in 1980 and…

“Fake” Commenter: This scene was SOOO edited. Look, that guy isn’t even touching ground. I bet you your parents aren’t even married. LOL.

Daniel: What guy? The Jesus on the crucifix?

“Fake” Commenter: Yeah, and all the guys are wearing bowties. Bowties weren’t invented until 1987.

Daniel: You’re kidding, right?

“Abusive” Commenter: SHUT UP YOU CUM SUCKER! I WILL FUCK YOUR MOM AND YOUR GRANDMA!

Daniel: My Grandma just died, you prick.

“Abusive” Commenter: THEN I’LL FUCK YOU!

Daniel: Can you just watch the video?

A few moments go by

“Lame” Commenter: This is the worst video I have ever seen in my life. That was a waste of 3 minutes. LAME!

Daniel: Then leave.

“Lame” Commenter: I will!

”Lame” Commenter sits in chair and doesn’t move

“First” Commenter: I was first still.

“Abusive” Commenter: I WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND TAKE A SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT!

“Ad” Commenter: Hey there! Would you like new ring tones for your cellphone? Only 99 cents for your first purchase!

“Lame” Commenter: LAME! I can get ringtones for free online.

“Abusive” Commenter: I CAN GET YOUR ASSHOLE FOR FREE ONLINE!

“Lame” Commenter: What does that even mean?

“Abusive” Commenter: IT MEANS YOU’RE GAY!

Daniel: Is anybody even watching?

“Fake” Commenter: Who did that woman in white hug?

Daniel: Umm… my Grandma.

“Fake” Commenter: Fake! If your Grandma’s dead, then how can she be in the video? I’m so smart.

Daniel: Let’s try another video

Another Video is put in

Daniel: This is my 2 birthday party.

“Fake” Commenter: You’re wrong! There’s only one candle, you idiot!

Daniel: That’s because it says 2.

“First” Commenter:…Fuck, um… Second!… no… Can we start over.

Daniel: No… You can probably tell…

“First” Commenter: Dude, just start it over. Just start it over.

“Abusive” Commenter: I WILL EAT YOU AND SHIT YOUR BODY ONTO YOUR BONES!

Daniel: No, you just watch.

“First” Commenter: You don’t understand, this is all I have. Just do it.

Daniel: …. No.

“Ad” Commenter: Viagra, try your free sample today.

“Lame” Commenter: My birthday cakes are twice as big as that little thing. This is worse than being Lance Armstrong’s Testicles.

“Abusive” Commenter: I’M GOING TO FORCE YOU TO SODOMIZE A PUPPY IF YOU DON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP.

“Fake” Commenter: I’d like to see that.

Room goes silent. “Abusive” Commenter looks slightly shocked

Daniel: umm…..last video.

Next Video is put in

Daniel: This is me and my brother building a fort in the snow when we were younger.

“First” Commenter: First! See, me, I was first.

“Abusive” Commenter: I HOPE YOU GET CANCER!

“Ad” Commenter: Do you want to save on your car insurance? Then switch to Geico, where you can save up to 15% on your car insurance!

Daniel: What the hell are you doing here?

“Ad” Commenter: Helping you save big on car insurance!

“Lame” Commenter: This is so Lame! I’ve built snow forts twenty times that high.

Daniel: I was 9.

“Abusive” Commenter: I WILL BEAT YOU WITH A RUSTY WRENCH!

“Fake” Commenter: Fake! How can there be snow in the video if it’s warm outside.

Daniel: It was freezing back then.

“Fake” Commenter: My thermometer says it’s, like, 72 outside.

“First” Commenter: I’m still first you guys. Remember, none of you were first.

“Lame” Commenter: I’d rather have my teeth drilled then watch another second of this stupid video.

“Abusive” Commenter: I’M GOING TO GO HANNIBAL ON YOUR ASS IF YOU DON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP. I’LL CUM IN YOUR NOSTRALS!

Daniel: Dude, what the fuck is your problem?

”The Anger in “Abusive” Commenter’s face subsides, a tear emerges.

“Abusive” Commenter: I was never hugged as a child.

Room goes silent

“First” Commenter: Me neither.

“Lame” Commenter: Same.

“Fake” Commenter: My Dad sodomized me with a remote once.

Daniel: Shit, how old were you?

“Fake” Commenter: I was, like, 25 at the time.

Room goes silent

Daniel: Wow ….

Silence

“Ad” Commenter: Would you like to know your credit report? Go now to…..

“Abusive” Commenter; AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

”Abusive” Commenter jumps at “Ad” Commenter and rips his head off

Daniel: Jesus!!

“First” Commenter: Damnit! I’m supposed to be first!

”Abusive” Commenter jumps at “First” Commenter and proceeds to beat him with “Ad” Commenters bloody head. He then rapes him to death.

“Fake” Commenter: Fake! That isn’t real blood.

Daniel: What the hell is the matter with you, he’s skull fucking a body ten feet in front of you!

“Fake” Commenter: CGI can do a lot of stuff now in days.

”Abusive” Commenter pulls off “First” Commenter’s arm and beats “Fake” Commenter with it.

“Lame” Commenter: Boring! I’ve seen better fights.

”Abusive” Commenter punches a hole in “Lame” Commenter’s chest

Daniel: I’m calling the Cops!

“Abusive” Commenter: I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED!!

Abusive Commenter pulls out a knife and stabs himself. He falls to the ground. All is still. In the background, a snow fort has just been built.