Sonic the Zoologically Correct Hedgehog

Guess what, guys: my mom’s boyfriend just bought me the new Sonic the Hedgehog game! I am so psyched. Seriously, I played it for the first time last night, and I can tell you that this is the coolest Sonic adventure yet.

It’s a little bit weird to play at first, but I think it’s just one those games you have to get into before you can really appreciate it—you know, like Final Fantasy, or Pac Man. I can’t play the game before sundown because Sonic is a nocturnal video game character. And I guess fighting Dr. Robotnik’s animatronic army wipes him out, because I can only really play the game for like, one or two hours a day. After that Sonic stops following my controller and begins gorging himself on roots, pond scum and certain North American grubs. Then he falls asleep in a burrow of his own feces for 22 hours. It’s sort of a drag, but at least Sonic likes to party—this dude eats entire patches of mushrooms in the middle of the woods.

Sonic also has some new techniques for fighting the bad guys. He doesn’t spin or jump anymore.Now he covers his genitals and lets out a high-pitched squeal until his predators scatter away. Sometimes he’ll crouch into a ball, produce a thick, foul-smelling, foamy substance from his mouth, and spread it all over his body with his tongue. I have no idea why.

Anyway, I’d better get back. I haven’t even beaten the first boss yet, and Sonic doesn’t like slackers. The manaul says he kills and eats his weakest offspring.