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Jason Mesches

States of the Union

by Jason Mesches on

INT. CONFERENCE TABLE
The 50 states are sitting around a large conference table.

Ohio: Everything has been downhill since we took Alaska.

Hawaii: I told you all 50 were too many.

Delaware: We were better off as colonies.

Illinois: Would you all shut up? Now are we going to get rid of Texas or not?

Mississippi: Motion to suspend voting on Puerto Rico indefinitely.

All (except New Mexico): Aye.

Illinois: Don’t get us sidetracked!

Vermont: Hey, Chicago, take a chill pill.

Illinois: My name is not Chicago.

Vermont: Whatevs.

Illinois: Whatevs? You philistine, I’m a state. Chicago is a city. There’s a difference.

Louisiana: Did you know I’m the only state without common law?

Texas: I object to these shananigans. Look at all the great things that hang around my state: Mexicans. George W. Bush. Um, Emmitt Smith?

New York: Case and point. All in favor?

Arkansas: Does Rhode Island count?

Rhode Island whimpers in the corner

Wyoming: 50 bucks to anyone who can locate me on the map.

South Dakota: (looking up) I like you being on top.

North Dakota: (looking down, smiling) Me too.

North Carolina: You see how well they get along?

South Carolina shrugs.

New York: Can we get back to the vote?

New Jersey: Yeah can we get back to the vote?

Florida: Little brother backing up his big brother. That’s Really cute.

New Jersey: Hows abouts me and Tony kick your ass when we come down to visit our grandparents?

Colorado: Take it outside. All in favor raise your hand now.

Connecticut: And hurry please; I have to drop the Mrs. off at tennis before I get to the club for a quick round of golf.

Half the states raise their hands.

Washington: Damn it.

Oregon: Damn it that half the states raised their hands, or that most people think you’re a district?

Washington: I am going to-

Kansas: Why can’t we compromise? Let’s keep Texas and give Minnesota to Canada.

Minnesota: I’m fine with that.

West Virginia: (strolling in) I’m sorry I’m late. I had a klan meeting.
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Jason Mesches

Jason Mesches

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I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
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Search and Siezure

When I was 16, I was walking home one night from my girlfriend's (at the time) like any other night. Now, as a teen, I had a shaved head, but that's as far as it goes for me looking like "a bad ass". I was super straight edge. I got to the corner across the street from my apartment, and I was waiting patiently at the light to cross, when all of a sudden I hear the... Read More » wailers and see flashing lights coming in my direction. Two cops get out of their car, tell me to come over and proceed to start hassling me. Given where I lived (tantamount to gang territory) and the fact that I was a teen out past 11PM, this was annoying, but not a huge surprise. The first question they asked me was "where am I going?" I said home. They asked where home is, and I could point to my window from where I was standing. That wasn't good enough. They decided they were going to demand that I "empty my pockets on the hood of the car". I refused, at which point they accused me of having something to hide. But what they didn't know was that I was taking classes in Canadian law at my high school, and had already covered the section on statutes on search and seizure and probable cause. So I told them flat out: "Give me your badge number, and I'll empty my pockets. And, when you find nothing there, I'll be down at your station tomorrow with a lawyer and I won't leave until I have your job because I gave you no probable cause to stop me, let alone undergo a search and seizure of my personal belongings. And if you don't like it, fuck off". Needless to say, they got back in their car and told me to go home. And I did, smiling.