Dating Advice From Roland Jackson, Overnight Security Guard

Dear Roland,

Well, where to begin? I am a twenty-eight year old , successful business woman. I’m in good shape, atrtractive, and am outgoing and friendly. However, I am finidng it impossible to meet someone. I’ve tried everything. I’m definitely done with the bar scene, speed dating is awful, and don’t get me started on online dating. I think most men are too intimidated by me, what should I do?

Sincerely,

Desperately seeking Anyone!

Dear Desperately Seeking Anyone,

Damn bitch, you think yo’ shit don’t stink? A man be fuckin’! He don’t care about no successful business woman bullshit. You probably out there walking around like a motherfucker should be licking yo’ ass.Ain’t nobody wantin that shit. All you gots to do is show them titties, and drop the attitude. Let that pussy do the talkin’ and keep yo’ trap shut. If all else fails, I got a big old black answer to all your problems, heh, heh!

Dear Mr. Roland,

I’ve just started dating this girl and she seems really great and everything. She’s smart, funny, well educated, and we have a really great time together. My only complaint is that she places too much emphasis on a physical relationship. Now, I know that seems ridiculous. As a guy, this should be a dream relationship, but sometimes it feels like too much. I feel like we are missing out on other things. Like, for example, last week, we had tickets to go see hairspray. Well, right before the show, she wants to go at it. Long story short, we end up getting in a big fight, and miss the show altoghether. What should I do?

-needs some rest

Dear needs some rest,

Damn boy, you a faggot! Shit. If the pussy’s calling for you, you gots to answer that shit. Or else the pussy will be talking to some one else. Either way, you probably a faggot.

Dear Roland,

Last year I met this guy and I think He’s wonderful. He’s a successful lawyer, he’s handsome, and very smart. We’re supposed to be getting married next month, but I can’t shake the feeling that he might be cheating on me. You see, I felt that since we’re getting married soon, we should stop fooling around so the wedding night will be like the first time. I know he has felt frustrated by this, but I thought it would be so romantic. Ever since then he’s been putting more and more time in at the office and hanging out with his friends a lot. At first I thought maybe he was focusing his frustrations on work, but now I’m not so sure. What should I do?

-Jittery bride to be

Dear jittery bride to be,

Bitch, you must be crazy! If this nigga’s half as good as you say he is, then you better be laying out the pussy like it’s a red carpet. “frustrated?” Damn bitch, this is a full ass grown man, motherfucker got some blue balls! Bitches just throwing them selves at the brother and you want to start playing games with the pussy? Bitch, do me a favor and slap yo’ self, then blow that motherfucker like yo’ life depends on it! Damn white girls do some crazy shit! And I know you a white girl, cause no sisters ever pull some bull shit like that!

Dear Roland,

Well, there’s this girl at work I have a huge crush on. She’s really sexy, but I don’t know if she would go out with a guy like me. I mean, I’m not bad looking, but She makes more money than me and , I don’t know, she is out of my league. We’ve made some small talk, and we seem to get along well, but I just don’t know if she likes me that way. I know I should just forget about her, but I can’t get her out of my mind. Plus, if she totally rejected me, it would make work awkward. What should I do?

-Confused in the Workplace

Dear confused in The Workplace,

Do me a favor. Grab in between yo’ legs in the crotch region. Now push yo’ dick out the way and move down a little. You know what those are? Them’s balls, nigga,now learn how to use them! If youwant to fuck the bitch, you best be steppin’ to her. She ain’t readin’ yo mind. If she says no, then fuck that uptight ho. Theres other bitches in the sea. If work gets shitty, quit that motherfucker. I don’t know where you work, but I know it probably sucks. I’m tired of motherfuckers thinkin’ pussy’s served on a platter! If you want the pussy, you gots to ask for the pussy! Or just keep hopin’ for it like a little faggot!