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Jake Hurwitz

A Conversation Between a Chef at a Cruelty Free Restaurant and a Cow

by Jake Hurwitz on

Cow: So this is great, I love hearing about cruelty free restaurants.


Chef: Yeah I really feel like I’m doing a good deed.
Cow: Tell me about your menu.
Chef: Well we have a great garden salad, a delicious flank steak.
Cow: What?
Chef: Flank steak, to die for.
Cow: So when you say cruelty free…
Chef: We kill all the animals very humanely.
Cow: Ok maybe you don’t get it. To us that’s the cruelest part, the part where you kill us.
Chef: I see, but I kill all the animals very quick and painlessly.
Cow: Still, you did say kill. We do die. And that’s really just the worst part for us.
Chef: A man needs to eat.

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Jake Hurwitz

Jake Hurwitz

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I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
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Skinny biking

After a night (more like during) of heavy drinking, my friend and I were riding bikes around our little island town in the Florida Keys. We rode past a balcony of girls who began hollering and whistling for us. we stopped around the corner, which was the last sober or sound decision we made that night. We decided it would be in our best interest as well for the sake of... Read More » humor, to do one more lap around that particular block, only without any clothes on. My friend went first, shooting around the block and disappearing behind the corner. I followed behind only to realize as I was turning the corner that I was riding directly in front of the headlights of a god damned cop car. I began hauling ass (still naked) through this residential neighborhood eventually ditching into someone's front yard. The cops spotted my bike and flashed the spot light on my very white ass. I came out with my hands up. After an hour of sitting on the curb sans clothes, while more and more cops showed up ( several of which I went to High School with) They only charged me with going down a one way and running a stop sign. My friend made it one more block further than me and made it home free.