Yoni Miller, a Bitter Cell Phone Reviewer, Reviews the Nokia N95

Big news this week in the cell phone world. The Nokia 95 is out. Or, the N95. Whatever.

The Look: The N-95 is very simple and has only six surface buttons. I think the iPhone is fully touch screen, but Hutchinson won’t let me see his even though technically I’ve been working here longer than he has. He only landed that review because he won a coin toss. Boss told me so. It’s silver and shiny. The N95 that is.

Size: At 4.5“x1.5 inches it’s smaller than the iPhone, though I can’t be for certain because the crowd around Hutchinson when he first took his iPhone out of the box was too large to get a clear shot of the phone in his hands.

Sound: The N95 has stereo quality audio. I would tell you how it compared with the iPhone, but it’s tough to hear a cell phone when people are chanting “Hutch-in-son! Hutch-in-son!” over and over. Even after you tell people to shut up, they still chant so hard.

Weight: At 3.5 ounces it may be lighter than the iPhone, though I was not about to wait in that line to touch Hutchinson’s iPhone. I tried to steal it from him when it slipped out of his pocket as they hoisted him up in a chair (still chanting) but Mary got to it before I did. Then she french kissed him. I guess our afternoon Jamba Juice runs are nothing compared to the iPhone.

The Bottom Line: The Nokia N95 is a perfect microcosm for my life. You work so fucking hard at something and it’s never good enough. I’ll give it a 7.