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Chris Richman

The Perfect Girl vs. The Perfect Public Bathroom

by Chris Richman on


Iā€™ve been searching long and hard for two things while pursuing degrees in college: the perfect public toilet and the perfect girl. The other day I had an epiphany when I realized their similarities. With both the perfect toilet and the perfect girl, you want it/her to:


#Smell nice.

#Have not been used by a lot of guys.

#Be disease-free.

#Be worthy of sharing with your friends.

#Not require protection to use.

#Be pube-free

#Appear clean enough for your mother to approve.

#Not mind being peed on.

#Have no fetuses inside.

#Have soft toilet paper nearby for when you’re finished.

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My boyfriend and I had started sleeping together, but hadn't been doing so for too long. We were still getting to know how kinky the other one was. So one night after hanging out he went to go get ready for bed I went and laid down in his bed naked, pretending to be asleep. I heard the door creak open, heard him walk quietly up to the foot of them bed, and begin slowly and... Read More » sensually licking my foot. I froze, completely repulsed and unsure how to react. I turned around to face him, and explain that I just wasn't ever going to be into that sort of thing, and could this even work out? . . .only to find his roommate's pitbull wagging her tail and licking away and my oblivious boyfriend still in the bathroom.