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iPhone vs. McDonalds

by Ryan on

FOR AGES, SINCE 1,000 BC, THIS AFTERNOON AT DAWN, MAN HAS PONDERED A POND.


And now that Lindsey Lohan is the new reporter for TOA (www.tubofacid.com) news – well, not really a reporter as much of a special guest who makes the noises of fish flapping on their sides instead of talking – we can get things rolling.


In fact, things have been rolling for a few months now. I opened the site on March and I’ve gotten some good progress made. It is also today that I resume updating the site, daily, to give you the most landmark news in the world.


The news that no other source will ever tell you.


It is as if they pointed a gun at their heads, shot it off, ran to Panda Express, picked up a garbage can, naked, ran to a Yankees baseball game, naked, across the country, naked, exchanged their clothes for AAA batteries, cooked a chicken fajita and disarmed a nuke 2 seconds prior to blast.


TOA.com – “The best source in absolute cunning, sharp, decapitating news.” – Lindsey Lohan



-Ryan Metcalf

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.