Your Daily Affirmations

You are good enough. You are always good enough. Never tell yourself that you aren’t good enough for something or someone. You are. Not great or awesome or anything. Just good enough.

Everybody likes you. You are the best and everyone thinks so. Not just your mom. All those people who don’t shower you with praise are dead. Imagine them dead. Worms in their eyes. Everyone who ever does you wrong will one day be dead. And so will your mom.

You must maintain a high opinion of yourself. No one will ever love you unless you are able to love yourself, so you must love yourself. Often. In the mouth.

Never say “never.” Don’t say “don’t.” You can’t say “can’t.” I’m allowed to. Just you don’t say any negative words or phrases again. Or positive. You know what? Just shut up. Shut up.

If you put your mind to it you can do anything. If you dream it, you can do it. If you believe in yourself, nothing is impossible. Unless you’re handicapped. Try not to be handicapped. Sometimes little bitty babies are handicapped.

Sometimes God puts obstacles in our path to test us. He does this because He knows we are able to surmount them, and He loves us enough to give us this wonderful chance. But sometimes God kills people for no reason. He’s a mysterious Thing.

Life is a glorious golden bridge. It stretches out into the sunny sky and clouds, farther than your eyes can ever see. It is festooned with rainbows and possibility. And you? You cover every single sunny, golden brick of this bridge. With your tongue. (On your knees.)

You are so good-looking. You are so good-looking and tall. You’re smart too. And funny. With a great smile and smooth, ebony skin. You’re a strong, proud black man who knows how to touch a woman. You will be a great leader of men, my chocolate warrior, and you shall put out the eyes of any white devil who looks upon you in scorn.

Feel better? No? Well, I feel great. What’s wrong with you?