Produce My Show!

After years of work, I’m finally optioning my TV pilots to whatever lucky producers claim them first.

Checkstand: Four grocers try to scrape a living while maintaining their bohemian lifestyles in lower Manhattan . They all have leprosy.

Judge-and-a-Half: A Judge who secretly conceals the fact that he is a Siamese Twin by hiding his “half-self” beneath giant billowing robes must conceal an even bigger secret. He’s gay.

He’s Always Dead Wrong: An optimistic attorney weekly takes cases where he defends criminals who claim to be innocent. When no one else will believe, one man has the courage to believe. Might he be right? Tune in to find out.

Friends II: The stars from Friends reunite for this hip new show, only this time, it’s actually funny.

The Biographer: A man gets sent a new chapter of his biography every week as if someone is watching him and mysteriously keeping track of him. Each week he reads the copy and usually finds the writing to be unimaginative. Occasionally, he finds a typo and compiles a list he hopes he can one day present to….”The Biographer.”

Detective Dog: Detective Dog is a coke addict and the only detective in the small town in which he lives. He is also the only coke addict. When the chief starts suspecting that most of the crimes Detective Dog investigates are crimes that Detective Dog committed, he must convince the town of his innocence and snort even more cocaine. To attract a wider audience, Detective Dog will be played by an actual Dog.

Messages from Everywhere: A Crime Scene Investigators attempts to do his job and follow the real clues, but he keeps getting messages from everywhere. A piece of toast looks like the undiscovered weapon used in a murder. A parakeet shouts out a random street name. Three stones in his kidneys mean the killer has three wives.