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David Cho

A Guide To Booty-Callz

by David Cho on

It’s 2006 and the only person calling girls to hook up with them is Alexander Graham Bell. Here are some other ways to go about reaching out to the opposite sex and what they say about you:

Type: IM
Example: “AvgDuder103: Hey do you want to come over and watch a movie?”
Who uses it: Pretty much any and every guy you know.
What it really means: I got your screenname to get notes from you freshman year, but that doesn’t mean I’m above soliciting you to come aggressively spoon while we pretend to watch Anchorman/Saving Private Ryan.

Type: Text Message
Example: “R U still up? Want 2 hang out?”
Who uses it: Pretty much any and every drunk guy you know at the end of the night.
What it really means: You liked me enough to give me your phone number, you mean to tell me that you don’t like me enough to holler when I send you an SMS message?

Type: Mass-text
Example: “Hey U! What r u doing 2nite?” (the vaguer the better!)
Who uses it: Pretty much any guy with the balls to not be worried about getting caught by multiple girls getting the same text.
What it really means: I’m just looking to get my d wet, any takers? Hello? Is this thing on?

Type: Facebook Wall
Example: “wow, havent seen you in forever but you look really good in that picture! gimme a call when you get home”
Who uses it: Pretty much any guy without any shame or knowledge of how the new Facebook “feed” works
What it really means: I’m not aware that this message will now be displayed on everyone’s mini-feed, or, I don’t care if it does because you really do look really good in that picture and I want you to gimme a call when you get home.

Type: MySpace
Example: “Hi, I’m a 19/m/KY who’s just looking to meet some nice girls to hang out and chill wit!”
Who uses it: Pretty much any guy who’s a child molester
What it really means: Hi, I’m a 48/m/parent’s basement who’s pretty good at CounterStrike.

Type: Fax
Example: “Cover Page Sent. Pages (incl. cover letter): 2. Hey, what’s up?! Isn’t this awesome? Page 2/2 received.”
Who uses it: Pretty much any guy in 1992.
What it really means: I’m so rich that I have a machine that can send bad copies of documents to anyone else with the same machine. Wait, what’s email?

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