Pooping in College

This has been a strange transition for you. College is a time of change. Mostly good change; fries come with any meal, beer is cheap, women are drunk, class is optional. The only unwelcome change into your life is the casual disregard college has for poop. Here’s how it will go with your number II’s this year.

Consistency will be inconsistent: Dining hall food is delicious, but endless grilled cheeses, when coupled with excess drinking every weekend, really throw off your shit-balance. Don’t be surprised if on any given day you have diarrhea, terd-pellets, logs, rock-solids, legos, really, anything goes.

They will be all too frequent, or not frequent enough: Some days you will poop often. Twice before you even go to class, once during class and again just before dinner. Other times you may go two, even three days without shitting. Don’t panic, this is normal, it just sucks a lot.

Your anus will chafe: Your college doesn’t spring for that quilted toilet paper like your mom does, friend. Some colleges, however, do pay an additional 15 cents for sand-toilet-paper that scrapes your butt clean. Typical dorm conversation: “How’s that crack, man?” “Skinless.” High five

Your schedule is gone: Say goodbye to your five o’clock poop. Say hello to the come at anytime shit-fest. Then say what’s up to your friend, Jeff. He’s sitting right next you reading this over your shoulder. Abandon all hope, you two. Embrace the new spontaneity of poop. Your schedule is lost for the academic year.

Your bathroom experience is nomadic: Back home you may have had your own bathroom, a sanctuary if you will. Here at school the best you will get is a comfortable stall, but it is by no means your own. You may find solace in a library lavatory, but it is a fleeting and meaningless affair. You have no relationship with any bathroom, and all bathrooms remain indifferent towards you.

That’s it. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But remember all the good things I said in the beginning? Drunk chicks? Cheap beer? Not comforting huh? I know. Soldier on fellow poopers, we will endure.