Staff Picks

The Guide to the Girls on the Floor Below You

by Jake Hurwitz on October 12, 2006

Let me tell you a story about women; a story about mystery, about allure, about an enormous letdown- a story about the girls who live on the floor below you. You have:

The Hot One	She’s the one who won’t talk to you. The one who you held the door for the other day and not only did she not thank you, but she pretended to be on her cell phone and completely ignored you. Redeeming factor? You got to watch her ass as she walked up the stairs ahead of you.
The Fat One	She is not untouchable like the hot one. She is in fact, quite touchable. It’s almost hard to avoid not touching her when you try to squeeze past her on the stairwell. But try your best not to touch her, you might vomit uncontrollably and that would really make her upset. You don’t want the fat one upset.
The Mean One	The mean one is actually slightly similar to the hot one, only she’s not hot. She’s just mean, which is actually much, much worse. If a girl isn’t incredibly hot then she has no right to be mean. Wouldn’t you agree? So when this girl casually disregards your noble gesture of door holding, try to trip her.
The Cool One	The one who talks about poop. She comes upstairs and hangs out with the guys sometimes in a cool, un-manly way. She likes sports, but not so much that you’re intimidated, just enough so that you know you can watch them when she’s around without feeling like she’s annoyed. It’s like she’s perfect. But don’t get too excited, the cool one always has a boyfriend back home who is much cooler than you.
The Rest	All the other ones are just eh. Some decent ones, some beat ones, one ethnic one. You could go either way with most, the deciding factor would most likely be your level of inebriation, same goes for them. Whatever, they’re not the college ass you dreamed of, they’re the girls on the floor below you.