Staff Picks

Some Differences Between Real Life and Nintendo's Punch-Out I Noticed Last Night While Getting My Ass Kicked Outside A Sports Bar By Several Drunken Lacrosse Players

by Matt Hulten on October 13, 2006


When Little Mac is hit hard enough, he flashes pink.	When I am hit hard enough, I spit up blood and vomit in my mouth.
Between rounds Little Mac’s manager, Doc Lewis, not only gives Mac advice, but can replenish his health by patting on his back at a faster pace than normal.	Having one of my drunken buddies slap me on the back and scream, “Kick that motherfucker’s ass!” does not make me stronger or a better fighter.
Often, due to his small stature, Little Mac is forced to leap up in order to deliver an uppercut to his opponent. This will occasionally result in a knockout.	When I jump up to land an uppercut on my taller opponent, it will occasionally result in him kneeing me in the testicles.
As it is a boxing match, both Little Mac and his opponent wear gloves.	As it is a street fight, my opponent wears the ring his parents bought him for his college graduation.
You cannot kick your opponent.	Kicking is legal, as is eye gouging, hair pulling, and the desperation nut-shot.
The fight is kept under control by a mustached, Italian man who looks like Super Mario.	The fight is kept going by a mustached, Italian man who looks like Super Mario and keeps screaming at me to, “Get up!” and “Stop being such a bitch!”
Little Mac’s opponents often have “tells” so he can discover patterns to their movements and defeat them.	My opponent has no “tell”, only a blinding, unpredictable rage stemming from me spilling Sam Adams Light on the new shirt he bought at Abercrombie and Fitch and his father not loving him enough.
Mac fights opponents with nicknames like “Piston Hurricane”, “Bald Bull”, and “Mr. Sandman”	My opponent is a man named Chad, who is the self-described, “craziest motherfucker you’ll ever fuck with.”
Following a hard-fought victory, Little Mac dons a pink tracksuit and goes for a vigorously jog while an aspiring theme plays in the background.	Following a not-so-hard-fought victory, Chad dons a pink tracksuit and masturbates vigorously to Gladiator porn while Outcast plays in the background (I think).
I enjoy playing Punch-Out a great deal.	I do not enjoy having my ass kicked in front of my friends and potential women I would like to date.