Stuff You Don't Care About But Will Help You Get Laid

It’s Friday! TGIF, am I right?!? It’s time for our weekly gossip recap, and in case you forgot why you’re reading this, here’s a helpful line graph. Because as we all know, line graphs can make ANYTHING a fact.

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Let’s get to it!

At the top of my list this week, somebody punched Paris Hilton IN THE FACE! Does it matter who, or why? Not really! All that matters is that Paris Hilton got punched in the face, and that is more than enough to prove once and for all that God exists.
Source: Egotastic

Also this week, Madonna adopted a baby from Malawi, some country in Africa. Because apparently her camel toe-inducing unitards have stopped generating enough attention.
Source: WWTDD

Speaking of the apocalypse, Evangeline Lilly and the Hobbit from Lost are reportedly engaged, giving hope to short, ugly, balding, ugly men everywhere.
Source: WWTDD

Speaking of ugly men, Tori Spelling is pregnant.
Source: IDLYITW

Also this week, Sienna Miller is a dumbass. Filming a new movie set in Pittsburgh, she called the town “Shitsburgh” during a press interview. Her immediate public apology made the claim that the quote was “‘used out of context.’ Which is like throwing a baby against a brick wall and then claiming the baby insulted you.
Source: WWTDD

Aerial shots of Paris Hilton’s purse this week clearly show her in possession of a bag of pot. Oh to live a life where breaking the law has absolutely zero consequences.
Source: HollywoodTuna

Last but certainly not least, here’s a photo of Jessica Biel that is sure to haunt your wet dreams. Enjoy!
Source: IDLYITW