Classification of Smokers

by Peter on July 11, 2007

For those of you pious non-smokers, spewing your filth about cancer and death and what not, here is some insight into the complicated world of smoking. The first lesson is in branding the smokers you see around you by the pack in their hands.

Guys	Brand	Girls
“I’m such a badass!LET’S FIGHT BITCH!!!”	Marlboro Reds	“So, you wanna go back to my place and be number 83?”
“I need to save these for when girls actually talk to me.”	Marlboro Lights	“So, like, the sisters told me these go SOOO GOOD with Cosmos!”
“I don’t care what brand it is, it’sbuy 1 get1 freeand I need lots of nicotine NOW!	Marlboro Menthols	“Minty cigarettestaste soooo much better than actual tobacco.”
“Dude, let’s go chain ourselves to that tree.”	American Spirits	“Thesmokecovers up that hippy stench that I refuse to shower off.”
“I was born in a pickup truck.”	USA Golds	“Doctor told me I shouldn’t smoke while pregnant. He don’t know sh*t ‘bout my baby. GO VOLS!”
“Please, someone come and listen to my bad poetry!”	Hand-rolled Cigs	“OH! I’LL COME LISTEN!
“My bros and I started senior year. God, I wish I could go back in time.”	Parliament Lights	“I dated the quarterback in high school. Yeah, you wish you were me.”
“Ummmm, I’m black.”	Newports (Black People)	“Yeah, see my skin?”
“Duuuuude, I’m soblazed right now.”	Newports (White People)	“Trust me, I’m black”