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Adrienne Green

Guys, Can I Play?

by Adrienne Green on

So, I just want to run with this ball down to that end of the field. Oh, the other end, ok. And I shouldn’t run the whole way? Pause for a second. How do I know that other guy will catch the ball if I throw it at him? I can control him too? Wait, how do I switch? Oh, ok. Unpause. Hold on, pause, what is the QB Vision cone? It’s only like a tiny sliver of light! This isn’t fair!

You want me to get the ball to Tom Brady? No way, the way he left Bridget Moynahan pregnant with his baby and then started to date Gisele Bundchen, who’s just like, not that hot ‘cause she’s way too tan and skinny, he’s just a bad guy. I don’t care if his “awareness” thingy is higher.



Ok, I can switch to Peyton Manning. Unpause. He hosted SNL recently and he was pretty funny. He did this hilarious dance. Oh, damn, that guy shouldn’t be allowed to just tackle my guy out of nowhere. I should get a little warning or something. No, it can’t count as a warning if my guy’s not looking in the right direction. How do I switch the view angle? Oh, whoa, dizzy. How do I get the ball back now? Pause. Ok, fine, you take the controls and get the ball back and then I’ll try the passing thing again.

Oh, cool, how did you do that thing with your guy’s shoulder? Why is it called a “Truck Stick?” The shoulder thingy’s not really like a truck. Wait, pause. Ok, ok, can I try to pass now? Yeah, I’ll do the analog stick thing. Unpause. Wait, pause, why did the ball hit that other guy in the knees? No, it makes more sense that the ball would go just in front of him if I aim the stick thing down than if I aim it to the right. Ok, take this back and get the ball back to my guy please. Stop bitching, I said please.

Who sings this song? No, I don’t know the Foo Fighters. Are they new?
Ok, really, there’s something wrong with this game. It’s completely impossible. Yeah, I know you’re like an “expert” at it, but there’s something wrong with a video game if it won’t let girls be good at it. Seriously, can you just turn off this game and watch the Gilmore Girls DVDs with me?

Jess is so hot. You should start using a little pomade in your hair. Do you think Rory is prettier than me?

Hey, it’s funny that that game is called Madden, though. That’s clever. ‘Cause it’s so maddening to play. I get it. I don’t know why you think girls don’t get video games.

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Adrienne Green

Adrienne Green

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.