There Is No Escaping Us!

Robert is sitting alone in an empty attic playing with an ancient Chinese puzzlebox. As soon as he solves it, the wall opens up to reveal a hole leading to another dimension. Robert is overwhelmed by the sounds of sharpening razors, bloodcurdling screams, and the burning of eternal hellfire. Suddenly, Pinhead and his three Cenobites appear.

Robert: WHAT THE…??? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!!!

Pinhead: MWUAHAHAHA! We are the legion of the damned. Angels to some, demons to others.

Robert: What is this? What are you talking about??

Pinhead: You opened the box, and we have come to take you to Hell where you will suffer for all eternity. Pleasure will become pain, and pain will become pleasure. There is no escaping us now! There is no escaping your DOOM!

Robert: Wait wait wait! I didn’t even open this box! It was… uhhh… this other guy! He, ummm, he was in here, andafter he opened the box, he threw it to me and ran out the door. See, you’ve got the wrong guy!

Cenobite #1: You pathetic mortal! What do you take us for? Fools?! Enough nonsense! We will tear your soul apart…

Pinhead: HOLD ON! Wait a second! If he is telling the truth, someone has managed to escape us, which I cannot allow! Who was this other man?

Robert: His name is… uhh… Kevin. Kevin McAllister.

Pinhead: Interesting. Do you know where to find this Kevin McAllister?

Cenobite #2: Dude, Pinhead, he’s lying. That was Macaulay Culkin’s name in Home Alone. He just made it up.

Pinhead: SHUT UP! I believe the mortal! Plus, I’ve never even seen Home Alone. Robert, bring me this Kevin McAllister and I shall spare your soul.

Cenobite #3: OK, Pinhead, what the fuck? If you let this guy go, he’s not going to come back. You do this shit all the time. I mean, who even put you in charge of the damning of souls? You are the biggest sucker I’ve ever met.

Cenobite #2: Yeah, like remember that time you were convinced you were going to get that free iPod?

Pinhead: Hey! I filled out the survey AND I completed the sponsor’s offer. All I needed was to have five friends sign up too. Maybe if I had some better friends…

Cenobite #1: Oh, don’t give us this bullshit again. Frankly, I’ve been pissed at you since you fucked up so badly when you were on Deal Or No Deal. I mean, seriously, who takes the bank’s offer after only the first briefcase?

Pinhead: It was only going to go down after that! I could feel it!

Robert: OK guys, I’m going to go find this Kevin guy now. I’ll be back, you know, soon.

Pinhead: Finally, fresh flesh for the fires of Hell! I guess while we wait I’m going to call this number I found on Craigslist. Apparently, I can make $1500 a week from home!

Cenobite #2: You are such a fucking sucker.