It's almost time for high school seniors around the country to send in all of those college applications they've been neglecting. And let's face it, there are very few things you can control about the application itself. You can't change that F to an A, and you can't unsuspend yourself for alcohol poisoning on the school trip to Florida.
But you CAN make sure your college essay is the most awe-inspiring piece of literature that an admissions officer has ever read. But that requires details, jazzing real life experiences up a little bit, also colloquially termed, "making shit up." Let me guide you through this process as I am very skilled in the technique having once been a pathlogical liar. Just kidding. Or am I?
Here is my college essay:
1) The essay should begin with a profound description of some exotic environment that you have visited.
Ex: "When I took that last step at the top of Mount Everest I knew I had underestimated my abilities. Even though I had never before climbed a mountain, I was the only member of our trip to survive and complete the journey successfully."
2) Invent personal hurdles that held you back
Ex: "But then something tragic happened on the mountain It was very difficult being a Muslim woman with no arms or legs and an intense passion to play the piano. After much perserverance and a myriad of other hurdles (car accident, near-drowning incident, a run-in with a vicious bear) I have been able to come through the other end of the tunnel."
3) Make up some award
Ex: "When I won the limbless piano player's grant I was speechless. Being a girl only made it more difficult to hit the keys, but I found a great strategy in using my tongue."
4) Stay consistent
Ex: DO NOT WRITE "And so I ran up onto the stage, snatched the microphone with my big burly hands and thanked everyone in the room."
5) End with some profound reflection on how you have grown spiritually
Ex: "I realize now that I can't let anyone hold me back, strictly metaphorically speaking though. Oftentimes, my limbless nature will require being held by others for physical support."