Not Gonna Lie, I'm Baked

(MR. HASKINS and the BOARD OF DIRECTORS sit around a conference table. STEVENS enters.)

MR. HASKINS: Stevens, thank you for coming in.

STEVENS: No, man, thank you.

MR. HASKINS: Well, have a seat. We’re all here to talk about the sales numbers your division has been bringing in. They’re far lower than all the other divisions.

STEVENS: Got it. No, I know. They’re low.

MR. HASKINS: Now, you’re here to deliver a presentation about how you’re going to fix this problem, correct?

STEVENS: Right-o.

MR. HASKINS: Very good. Go ahead.

STEVENS: Well, gentlemen, thank you for having me here today. I created this whole big presentation over the past few weeks, but to be perfectly frank, I smoked a joint in my Lexus before I came up here. Not gonna lie: I’m high. But I still think I can do this. See, man, the sales are low because… that just happens sometimes, man. It just happens. It’s like… like… there’s this whole company, and it’s like an organism, you know? It’s a living thing. And all of the parts have gotta work in harmony. Right now, my division isn’t working in harmony, but that’s cool, you know? These graphs I made show that, over time, each and every division has had the lowest sales. So, like, you know. It’s normal. But it’s an organism, man. An organism doesn’t give up on itself. Like, say you got shot in the arm. That would be scary, man. Fuck. But say you got shot in the arm. Your arm is gonna perform worse than the rest of your body. But does that mean you just cut it off? No, man. Maybe if it’s the Civil War. Anybody see that Civil War thing by Ken Burns? That mother was LONG. Anyway, what I’m saying is, your arm gets shot, you don’t give up on it. You gotta give it time. Let it heal. And I’ll be damned if before long that arm isn’t hitting homers out of Wrigley Field, you know? Home runs. Baseball.

MR. HASKINS: That’s very… interesting, Stevens, but you’re supposed to tell us how you’re going to fix this problem. How are you going to increase sales?

STEVENS: Um… Sell more stuff?