Subjects To Avoid in College Essays

1. That particular day in high school when you and your friend Dylan shot and killed an “assload of stupid fucking people,” which frankly should be considered community service and NOT a federal crime.

2. How you want to go to Harvard because Natalie Portman went there, she’s so fucking hot you could cum just thinking about her, and if you got accepted you could maybe meet her and then she’d fall in love with you and never leave you, and if she ever tried to leave, well, she’d regret it… she’d regret it.

3. How coming to your Algebra 2 class after dropping acid in the bathroom is the perfect example of your bravery. You had no idea how terrifying parabolas look when you’re tripping.

4. How Osama is your hero.

5. That one time when Jen was like “Oh my god, I can’t believe she would actually wear that in public,” and then Krissy was like, “I know, she’s like looks like she must weigh a lot or whatever,” and then Jen was like, “I know, oh my god.” And then you got low calorie smoothies with fiber boosts and that’s what leadership means to you.

6. The extent to which you hate queers and niggers.