Chicago Bears

Click of a tape recorder

whisper My name is Jimmy Doherty, it’s Tuesday, 8 am, and I’m searching for the elusive Chicago Bear. I’ve come to a certain area of the forest, near Cicero, where locals have reported witnessing these bears. I’ve set up camp and I’m ready. I’ve hung an Old Style sign on a nearby tree in the hopes of luring one of these noble Midwestern beasts.

Click off. Click on again

It’s about 10 pm Tuesday now, and I’ve spotted my first creature, a Superbowl Chicago Bear (the mightiest of the breed!). It shuffled on down to my campground, lured by snacks and eager to strut its stuff for everyone. Initially disappointed with such a small turnout, the Superbowl Bear began to nose around my portable refrigerator. He may be large, but he’s no dumb cookie; he knows food is in there. I’ll name him “The Fridge“.

Click. Click

It’s 11:30 Tuesday and I’m getting nervous. The Fridge left at about 10:30 tonight but came back at 11:00 with some more of his Superbowl friends. I don’t think they came here looking for trouble, but rather, they came to do the Superbowl Shuffle (a ritual native to this breed) and eat. They keep bragging about their strength, their speed, their dancing ability and their prowess with the ladies.

Walter Paytonbear brought a boombox that only plays a scratchy beat with occasional keytar flourishes. The Chicago bears love it, and play it constantly. Occasionally, one of them will leap to the front of the group and do a little talk-rap, while the others sway side to side (this must be the Superbowl Shuffle they mentioned). For all the Bears’ bragging, the Shuffle is one of the most awkward, uncoordinated dances ever.

Click. Click

It’s Wednesday and… the Bears are beginning to turn on me, I think. They’ve gathered around me in a circle… pointing and clapping awkwardly. Oh god, the headband-sporting McMahonbear is trying to rap, it’s terrible!

I tried to escape, but Mike Ditkabear shoved me back into the circle. I…aghhh…

thud of tape recorder dropping. Jimmy’s voice is still audible

Please, I didn’t come to start no trouble. Be reasonable. Please. I didn’t mean to mess around in your neighborhood. Please. I’m begging you. Can’t we all do the Superbowl Shuffl- huuuurrrfffh. Auuugh, Bears! Chicago Bears! Bearsssss!