Guy Who Is Very Afraid Of A False Date Rape Accusation

After a night out cruising the local bars, college student Michael Sampson returns to his apartment with part time hair stylist/ full time hussie Sara Williams. Passion is in the air as the two round third base on Michael’s bed.

Sara: Oh Michael, you’re the hottest guy I’ve seen in weeks. I think it’s time we stop fooling around and get down to business.

Michael: Get down to business? You mean, like sex?

Sara: That’s exactly what I mean. Sex.

Michael: I’m sorry, can you say that one more time.

Michael pulls a microphone attached to a cord from underneath the bed

Sara: What’s that?

Michael: I thought we’d uh…record ourselves. For future enjoyment, you know.

Sara: Sounds kinky. I can’t wait to play back a tape of ourselves having hot, hot sex.

Michael: Exactly what I was thinking. Now, what’s your name?

Sara: Sara.

Michael: No, your full name.

Sara: Uhh…Sara Williams.

Michael nibbles her ear, discreetly moving the microphone closer

Michael: What’s your mother’s maiden name?

Sara: Huh? Oh you ARE kinky. I’ll play your games Mikey. It’s Leslie.

Michael: That’s such a hot maiden name. I can’t wait to have sex with your over 18-year-old consenting vagina.

Sara: Mmm yeah, I can’t wait.

Michael: That sounds like a verbal contract of consent. Agree or disagree?

Sara: Can we just have sex already.

Michael: Yeah, definitely. Just as soon as you sign this.

Michael pulls a stack of papers from and ballpoint pen underneath a pillow

Sara: What are these?

Michael: Legal forms, cause you’re so goddamn hot I gotta ask the federal government for permission to fuck you.

Sara: It says here something about me waiving any present and future claim to improper sexual intercourse in a court of law pursuant to —”

Michael: Just sign on the line underneath Section 15c. Oh, then initial at the top of page 2. And then sign and date the third page.

Sara: If I sign these will you give me a night I’ll never forget?

Michael: Absolutely.

Sara: Wait, what is this “Consent to venesection?”

Michael: Oh, that just gives me permission to draw a sample of your blood.

Reaches into nightstand, pulls out a vacutainer, tourniquet, syringe, gauze, disinfectant and bandages

Sara: What in the hell do you think you’re doing?

Michael: Just hold out your arm, baby. I’m going to save your blood and test it for GHB, rohypnol, and ketamine. It usually takes forty to fifty minutes. Afterwards I’ll put your blood on ice in my freezer for storage. But after that, I promise I’ll make sweet, sweet love to you…

Michael attempts to fasten tourniquet around Sara’s arm

Sara: Wait, stop it you freak, I’m not letting you stick that thing into me. What is this all about anyway?

Michael: So I can stick my dick in you but not a stupid needle? You need to get your priorities in order.

Sara: Seriously, what is all this?

Michael: I’m a…med student. I just like to practice what I learn in the classroom in the bedroom. It turns me on. Think of it as role playing.

Sara: Then what’s the deal with these papers?

Michael: Double major. Pre-med and pre-law.

Suddenly a sneeze comes from under the bed

Sara: What was that?

Michael: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I didn’t hear a thing.

Goldberg: Actually Michael, as your lawyer I must advise you to be truthful with Sara.

Sara: What the hell?!