Lukas Kaiser

What Does That Mean For Me? November 2nd Edition

Once again we take a look at the biggest news stories of the week, and how they affect your life.

“¢Kevin Federline’s album, “Playing With Fire,” dropped on Tuesday.
What that means for you:
Hey white guy who raps…yes, you sound like that. Retire the mic, my man.



“¢In a speech he made on Wednesday, Senator John Kerry’s failed attempt at a joke about Bush’s stupidity in the end insinuated a lack of intelligence in the military, angering many servicemen around the country.
What that means for you:
The proof is in the pudding, folks…leave the jokes to the professionals, or you’ll be murdered by the army.



“¢A police chief in Winter Haven, Florida lost his job for referring the officers in his precinct as “Jelly-bellies.”
What that means for you:
Well, if you’re fat, I guess you can go be a police officer in Winter Haven, Florida.



“¢PW Botha, maligned president of South Africa during Apartheid, has passed away.
What that means for you:
PW Botha’s passing is a time to reflect. Civil rights are not something to be taken for granted, and we must always…………YEAH RIGHT! LATA LOSER!



“¢Viacom head Sumner Redstone said his wife is turned off by Tom Cruise.
What that means for you:
You’ve got no shot in hell with Sumner Redstone’s wife.



“¢An Ethiopian immigrant was convicted of mutilation on Wednesday for conducting a circumcision on his 2-year-old daughter.
What that means for you:
The “I’m a foreigner, I don’t know what I’m doing” defense clearly doesn’t work anymore. You might have to just smoke joints inside from now on.

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.