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Lukas Kaiser

You Might Be Constipated...

by Lukas Kaiser on

Remember Jeff Foxworthy’s “Might Be a Redneck” jokes? Well, I’m not a redneck, but I do come from a long line of constipated Jews, so…

“˘If you’ve eaten seven meals and haven’t taken a dump, your bowels are probably clogged!
“˘If you’re lactose intolerant and just ate two scoops of ice cream with no bathroom break in sight, your bowels are probably clogged!
“˘If you ate a fist-full of clay…your bowels are probably clogged!
“˘If you’re currently using a butt plug…your bowels are probably clogged!
“˘If you can taste poop in your mouth…your bowels are probably clogged!
“˘If every time you fart, you hiccup…your bowels are probably clogged!

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Lukas Kaiser

Lukas Kaiser

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.