4 Steps to Ridding the Planet of Children: Kids Have Had it Good for Far Too Long...

Gentleman, we are indeed in the midst of a of a war that has been messy, but nonetheless necessary for the freedom of not only all Americans. Not only us, but all men and women of all races of this great planet known as Earth. We have been overtaken by fear and are no longer free to roam the streets at night without fear of these people lurking in the shadows just waiting to jump you and take your wallet or purse.

They send chills up your spine with their voices and instill terror to anyone who unknowingly becomes impregnated ..and everyday you turn around there are more and more; a seemingly endless train of terror. Thats right people, I’m talking about children.

Gentleman I know that we have always said that our children are our future.They are bright and brave young boys and girls who will have their day in the sun. But who’s to say that today isn’t that day, what if these little monsters get the itch and try and take over tomorrow? There small and clever and can hide in things that regular sized people cannot fit into such as trashcans and UPS boxes and when they have had a coke and a few pixie sticks they get all jittery and they are hard as all hell to catch.

We cannot be sure, so I am moving towards rounding up these kids and taking them out. what if those same children were to somehow get their hands on some nuclear or chemical weapons. The consequences could be devastating. So I am enforcing my four step plan to eliminate those little fucking terrorists. We will use any means necessary including ninjas and larger more aggressive children. Or monkeys with riffles if necessary.

4 Steps to ridding the country of children

1. We must find the children. Where do they live? Who do they hang out with? Whose funding these little monsters with money for baseball cards and Chrystal Meth? Oh thats right, I said it, Meth! We need to answer these questions I want our men scouring all the playgrounds, little league baseball games, Chuck E cheeses, Miniature Golf Courses, Toys R Us, and of course both Disneyland and Disney World with the inclusion of the outlying Universal Studios and Nickelodeon studios. We need to find these hideouts and smoke these fuckers out by any means necessary. I see no other option at this juncture but to attack them with all we have. Shoot on sight Lee Harvey

2. Kids are sneaky. They are, you ever seen them play Marco Polo? Sneaky little conniving bastards that will not stay in the water. Cheating scoundrels, with no sense of morals and a limited capacity of the of right and wrong. They will break something and boldface lie to you. Who knocked over the lamp again? Thats right, the dog did and look out cause this time I think he threw a football at it! Bullshiters one and all. Plus I hear they are willing to look the way on minor infractions if you have a little candy. Fortunately the same can be said about myself so I think Ill be able to cover my bases here with a few Snickers bars. I mean come on kids are sneaky sneaky stupid

3. Kids are mostly small. We normal sized people definitely have the advantage here. We are faster, stronger and can reach the pedals in automobiles. It should be complete domination on chasing them down in SUV’s while they tool around on their Huffy. Plus we can use credit cards without asking permission, which means we will be able to fill up quicker and be back out herding kids at soccer practices and cheer leading camps. I have it on good authority these are where the most annoying and most physically fit children are hanging out these days. Makes me sick to think about it.

4. Put them in camps. Kids need a caste system and a rigid structure of learning how to not get in the way of people bigger than them and also of course not being so small, whiny and always acting like a space cadet in the supermarket. What it is thats so awe inspiring about the spice isle in the Piggly Wiggly only they will fully understand. So thats a good place to start for all you folks with a supermarket near your house. Get them while they’re not looking I always say. And then ship them off to Happy Fun Time Coal Mining Adventure Camp, where they’ll spend most of their time mining and coughing far away from yours truly and never again racing out of a Toys R Us and into a parking lot like a new born giraffe, stumbling around inebriated with the excitement of a brand new outfit for Barbie.
* There are no Barbie’s allowed at Happy Fun Time Coal Mining Adventure Camp. Only coal mining.

And when they are old enough to become normal, semi-functioning, not completely retarded human beings, they will once again be let back into society. Maybe