Talking your way out of embarrassing situations

Embarrassing situations happen in class. Rather than let them get you down, here are some typically embarrassing situations and easy ways to talk yourself out of them:

Your cell phone rings:
Most professors have a clear no-cell-phone policy; they hate when their lectures are interrupted by either a shrill ring or your 4 track version of “Rock Lobster.” Sure, you could blush, fumble to hit the mute button, and apologize to the pissed-off prof, A better solution is to answer your phone and say, “Hello? Oh, you’ve got the test results? Oh, boy, what a relief. Thanks so much, doctor.” Everyone will be so concerned that they’ll forgive the disturbance, and only you will know it was your drug dealer letting you know about a one day fire sale.

You fall asleep:
When your professor wakes you up, scream“No Uncle Rick! Don’t touch me there!” The professor will pity your dysfunctional past and ask you later, in private, for Uncle Ricky’s phone number.

The cops barge in to arrest you:
As you’re being subdued, say, “Very funny. Who hired the strippers?” Keep with this story as they cuff you, mace you, and finally hit you over the head. Explain to your professor after your 6-8 month stint that it was an elaborate hazing stunt set up by your fraternity/sorority.

Your fly is down:
Thank the class for participating in your psychology experiment on the crotch gazing frequency (or CGF) of college students, and let them know they will be credited in the acknowledgements section of your paper. Then, if it’s a girl who pointed out your faux pas, wink at her and meet her later for pizza. If it’s a guy, however, wink at him and meet him later for sausage pizza.

Your colostomy bag overflows:
Sorry, you were fucked when they put it in, and you’re fucked now.