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Dean

The Genie From "Aladdin" Becomes a Guidance Counselor

by Dean on


Genie: Helloooo! Bonjour! Hola, my young friend, enter if you dare. Haha, just kidding, come on inside dude.

Jim: Genie, I have a problem.

Genie: Jimmy! Or do you go by Jim?

Jim: Well—

Genie: How about Jimbo? Or J-Town? It’s the J-man! Nah, how about I just call you J?

Quickly adjusts white butler’s gloves on his hands.

Genie: (In a cockney accent) And how may I be of service to you today, govna? Need your chimney swept? Or maybe your driveway cobblestones spit and polished?

Jim: Uhh, no. I’ve been depressed lately. Do you always carry those gloves around with you?

Genie: Come, come J. You don’t come to guidance unless you wanna see a guy dance!

Does pirouette, spins Jim into seat.

Genie: Having some trouble with the ladies then I take it.

Puts on wig, assumes The Graduate pose on desk

Genie: Tell me now, J, do you find me sexy?

Jim: What? No, uh, yeah sure, you’re sexy.

Genie: Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Takes several dramatic circus performer bows.

Jim: I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide lately Mr. Happy Helper.

Genie: Suicide, you say?

Grabs noose from behind desk and pretend chokes himself.

Genie: You mean, you’ve been thinking about ol’ death-a-roo? The long goodbye? The big sleep? The ever after?

Jim: I just don’t think life is worth living anymore. Hey, where are you getting all these props from?

Genie: Gonna do it with a gun?

Makes finger gun with left hand and points it at his temple.

Genie: Or maybe you’d rather jump off a tall building.

Leaps off desk.

Genie: Or maybe you’re the experimental type and you’d rather just ram your head into the wall.

Rams head into chalk board several times.

Jim: I think I’m gonna get going now.

Genie: Now, now, don’t buzz off that quickly, J.

Flaps hands on his back like wings, makes buzzing sound.

Jim: You’ve uh… helped me a lot, Mister. Really, I know exactly what to do now.

Genie: Bzzzzzz! I’m just a little worker bee around here J. Bzzzzzzz! Happy to help. Bzzzzzz! Don’t bee a stranger now. Haha! Don’t bee a stranger, get it? Bzzzzz!

Closes door behind Jim.

Genie: Phenomenal cosmic powers! Itty bitty office.

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.