In case you haven't heard yet, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld decided to resign today. Republican and Democrats alike are in a panic trying to fill his position immediately. It's like we're in a war or something.

Here are the top five candidates in the running:

1) Donald Duck: because the shit he says makes about just as much sense as anything Rumsfeld has ever uttered.

2) Your girlfriend: in case we want an on-again, off-again relationship with the war and Iraqis where we finally decide that it's just not working out and we're better off leaving and giving them some space

3) Ari Gold: because he could close the deal in Iraq with ancillary products like action figures and fast-food endorsements

4) Ryan Seacrest: just to prove a point that even he is less of a douchebag than Rumsfeld

5) Ray Lewis: because if anyone knows about Defense, it's this guy