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Lukas Kaiser

What Does That Mean For Me? November 9th Edition

by Lukas Kaiser on

Here’s a look at the week’s biggest news stories…and what they mean for you, the typical college student/homeless guy using the internet at the public library.

“˘Britney Spears files for divorce
What that means for you:
When you jerk off to Britney Spears, your fantasies don’t have to include K-Fed’s penis anymore. Don’t have to, but still will, of course.

“˘Reese Witherspoon files for divorce.
What that means for you:
If you want to be obnoxious at a party, listen to a couple people gossip about the details of Britney’s divorce for like two minutes then interrupt them mid-sentence by yelling: “ALSO REESE WITHERSPOON GOT DIVORCED!!!” Though you’re already pretty obnoxious, right?

“˘A Governor attempting to vote on Tuesday was turned away from the voting booth because he forgot his registration card.
What that means for you:
When the gloating president of the campus Democrats starts trying to eff with you cuz you didn’t vote, whip out this article. Then whip out a bread knife and cut off his white-boy dredlocks.

“˘Donald Rumsfeld has resigned.
What that means for you:
Dude, take that as a lesson…if you lead your buds into a bloody, pointless conflict, expect major bum-out time and possible dismissal of your super sweet duties.

“˘Faith Hill grimaced during her loss to Carrie Underwood at a live televised country music awards show
What that means for you:
Hey look, the one and only time you’ve ever felt compelled to view even one second of footage from a country music awards show. Sweet. What else is on Youtube?

“˘Minimum wage was raised in several states.
What that means for you:
Sweeet! You’ll be able to pay off that $40,000 college loan in 50 years instead of 65 years. P.S. Give me fries with that. I don’t care if this is a bank, I want fries, motherfucker.

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Lukas Kaiser

Lukas Kaiser

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.