New Fraternity Community Service Projects

“¢Be A Street Vigilante: Your local police force understaffed? Campus cops a joke? Then grab a brew and a paddle and hit the streets to dole out some justice, fraternity style. Hey, that dude looks like a rapist—let’s beat him within an inch of his life, like we did to that pledge two years ago. Oh wait…that’s just the mailman. Sorry bro…but you should really shave that mustache. Hello?

“¢Go To Iraq: Things sure are messy over in Iraq. You and the brothers should head over the the mideast…and clean house. Divide up into units and be ready to take on insurgents in hand-to-hand combat. You’ve got what it takes, bro!

“¢Be A Veterinarian: There are a lot of sick animals out there, bro. You and the Brothers should heed the call to action and start saving those sick little creatures. Someone’s got a sick hamster? Blow weed smoke on it! Someone’s dog accidentally ingested a bottle of aspirin? Why, blow weed smoke on it, of course. Someone wants to put their ailing cat to sleep? Eff that, bro! Grab a bat and take that bitch-ass student out. Then grab the cat…and blow weed smoke on it! Look, he’s twitching! He likes, he likes!

“¢Start A Clothing Drive: Winter’s comin’ and it’s gonna be a cold one, so rally the troops and start doin a clothing drive. So grab a box and start filling it with clothes! But clothing dudes is pretty…gay. Just clothe chicks…it’s easy! Gather up all the panties that are strewn about the Frat house! Not enough to fill the box, bro? Throw a party! If you still don’t have enough panties…check the top drawer of Tony’s dresser.

“¢Use a Time Travel Machine To Correct The Mistakes Of History: Pretty self explanatory.

“¢Treat Yourself, FOR ONCE!! Boy you’ve been doing so much community service work. Don’t you think it’s time you treated yourself? Grab an ice cream cone! Catch a movie! Work on that novel you’re writing, The Frat Mysteries! It’ll be the most satisfying community service work you’ll ever do.