A Female Student's Guide to Stalking

A Female Student’s Guide to Stalking
by Paul Vikan and Chris Morgan

Facebook, Myspace, Match.com, Friendster, well, not Friendster: Stalking is now done with great ease thanks to the tube system of the interweb. With everyone so caught up in the mess of online luring, it’s hard to tell what constitutes actual stalking anymore. Here is a handy guide for you ladies to distinguish someone who sincerely wants your notes from someone who sincerely wants your panties in a display case among his participant awards.

The Movies:

Normal Behavior: Standard, and utterly boring, yawn and arm-around-shoulder move.

Semi-creepy: Knows a little too much about Nicholas Sparks and goes on and on about the racist patriarchal struggle in Little Man.

Socially Awkward: Penis in the popcorn with no hole at the bottom.

The Gym:

NB: A spotter who’s conversation goes no further than grunting and “push it!”.

SC: Instructs on how to use the equipment for the sole reason to flex muscles no matter who undeveloped.

SA: Boasts ability to perform cock push ups, can only do one.

Party:

NB: Holds you below the knee for the keg stand, looks away, insists your tolerance is better than his Welslyan girlfriend’s.

SC: After shaking your hand says, “I enjoy cocaine, it’s a fun thing to do”.

SA: After kissing your hand with some tongue says, “You know, the blood from my nose really compliments your tank top,” and tries to wipe it off with your bra he claims he found while doing his laundry in your dorm complex.

The Library:

NB: Waves off any overdue fees.

SC: Has extensive notes for your molecular bio class on the day you slept in.

SA: Writes you a love letter inspired by the drawings in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.