Abe Lincoln- Freed the Slaves
Mr. Peanut- Freed the world from Peanut mediocrity
Abe Lincoln- Rocked a sweet-ass top hat
Mr. Peanut- Rocked a sweet-ass top hat
Abe Lincoln- Led the defeat of the Secessionist Confederacy in the American Civil War
Mr. Peanut- Wears a Monocle
Abe Lincoln- 16th President of the United States
Mr. Peanut- Named America's most eloquent cartoon spokesman from 1918-1987 and 1989-2006
Abe Lincoln- A pioneer in the development of a political system that utilized key members of the Democratic and Republican Party
Mr. Peanut- Arrested for date rape in 1988
Abe Lincoln- Scholars rank Lincoln among the top three U.S. Presidents
Mr. Peanut- Drunk girls eat him
Abe Lincoln- Loved the Theatre
Mr. Peanut- Took ballroom dancing classes during his undergrad at Vassar
Abe Lincoln- Married to Mary Todd Lincoln
Mr. Peanut- Probably gay
Abe Lincoln- Lincoln rallied public opinion through powerful rhetoric
Mr. Peanut- Vacations in Nantucket with Kool-Aid and Aunt Jemima
Abe Lincoln- Born in Kentucky
Mr. Peanut- Hides his money in Scrooge McDuck's safe
Speaking of Ducktales, remember Scrooge McDuck's money pit? He would dive in and swim around and have a grand old time. I used to think that was a lot of fun and maybe it is in theory, but in practical society it is not. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE ALL OF YOUR SPARE CHANGE AND FILL A ROOM WITH IT IN YOUR BASEMENT. It is not like the cartoon. The money is smelly and you will eat so many lint filled buttons that you will be used as a sewing kit. Hey guys, remember Launchpad, or if we want to be professional here- Launchpad McQuack? At first I thought he was the same guy from Talespin, but after doing some research, that was Baloo the bear. Two totally different inept pilots in the same animal kingdom. Launchpad did do a stint on Darkwing Duck however (sing along with me people when there's trouble you call DW DARKWING DUCK, LETS GET DANGEROUS). Think about it, Ducktales was way ahead of its time. Spinoffs, a title with a pun, a totalitarian view on capitalism using a cartoon society as a microcosm for America, it had EVERYTHING. I just spent 15 minutes researching all of this. This is the low point of my existence. I need to rethink my life, but first- back to the great debate.
Abe Lincoln- Gettysburg Address, he did that. All of it. He spoke the hell out of that address.
Mr. Peanut- Put out an album called “Allergic to the Funk”. It did NOT do well.
Abe Lincoln- Allegedly murdered by John Wilkes Booth
Mr. Peanut- Can’t swim
So there you have it people. Undeniable proof. Abe Lincoln is still alive and now he is in peanut form. It happens all the time. He faked his own death, morphed into a peanut, entered an animation chamber, and now instead of campaigning for civil rights he sells peanuts at a reasonable cost. Am I the only one who sees this? Don't be stupid people; it is right in front of your eyes. Sadly this will be a sitcom on Fox next year. Sorry America.
Josh Potion #9 is done.
Fact of the day: Bears smell fear and from what I am told it smells delicious.