Once again, here's the week's biggest news stories, and how they translate to your lives. It's sort of like "The Daily Show" if "The Daily Show" was written by a non-functioning illiterate pervert currently on house arrest.

A man who was violently assaulted during his arrest is set to be freed-mostly thanks to the arrest being videotaped and placed on YouTube.
What this means for you:
If you in a Frat, go easy, bro. Don't beat the pledges with shit-covered dictionaries too hard…they might have cameras on them.

Trent Lott has been welcomed back to a leadership position in the Republican Party
What that means for you:
See, dude…in a few years, no one is gonna remember that whole "I hate Asian" speech you made. It'll allll blow over. Uhm, anyways, have a good day. I…gotta run. I can't be seen with you, you racist dick-head.

Lines to purchase the PS3 had formed as early as November 9th, despite the system not scheduled to be released until this Friday.
What this means for you:
If you're reading this, you're not going to be getting a PS3 anytime soon. Congratulations, you're not crazy.

Tara Reid is hot again.
What this means for you:
Tell your dad to stop cheating—if Tara Reid can get hot again, so can your mom.

Jacko's back.
What this means for you:
It might be time for your little brother to start hanging out inside the house from now on. So he doesn't get skin cancer from UV rays, of course. Oh, also cuz you don't want him to get molested by Michael Jackson!!! Just kidding. Jacko didn't do it. So what if he accurately describe Jacko's penis. Does he know what it tastes like? No? I rest my case.

Microsoft has released their "iPod killer," Zune, to disappointing reviews.
What this means for you:
Zune's good, Zune's bad, whatever. Your Dell mp3 player is still friggin' LAAAAAAMMMMME!!!

Both John McCain and Rudy Giuliani have both announced their hopes to run for President in 2008
What this means for you:
Hey there, big guy. Are you a Senator? No? Aw. Are you a Mayor of a major US city? Not that either? 'K. So, when your mom said you could be president…she was, like, lying, right? Yeah. Just making sure we were on the same page…you know, about your mom being a huge liar and all. She's a whore too. A big, sweaty, lying whore.