After nice long conversation with one of my long time token gays David about why he was getting no ass and why I was lacking in the tang taste tests we realized maybe it was massive MGM movie intro music OUR HAIR! David lives in Texas where he's so far in the closet he's hanging out in his neighbors house and I've just never been a fan of haircuts due to a long time Samson complex.

The Rainbow Fagily likes to pride itself on acceptance, "good" style, being so gay we shit glitter or screws (for you butchies) and the irrational love of Madonna and Cher (Peaches for the Under 30 set) however when it comes to certain folicular matters we tend to be downright brutal. Although the gayness of one's hair can usually help the accuracy of our gaydar its also a double edged sword proving to be a total cockblock/cuntpunt when hitting on hipsters. After a bit of thought David and I came up with a list of the 5 haircuts for Gay men and their over all 5 star effectiveness:




1. The Faux Hawk
Origin:
David and I mutually have no idea regarding the origin of this style, why it swept the whole damn planet overnight and why it just wont go away! I'm frankly sick of it (on guys at least) however after we came up with this list David got one and I haven’t heard from him since so I guess he's chin deep in gay booty. We both agreed that one of the earliest people we remember rocking a modified version of this style was none other than Princess Frostylocks himself Lance Bass in 2000 but this was VERY brief. We now know why his sorta-kinda-faux hawk was so short lived poor litte Lance was stuck in the closet back then and unable to let his hawk fly freeeeee. Another celeb we've seen rock the style beautifully is David Beckham who is also credited by many sources as popularizing the style

Description:
I don’t need to describe it you know what it looks like and if you don’t please exit your adobe a.s.a.p.

Typical Wearer:
The interesting thing about the faux hawk is unlike the other 4 hairstyles it is not unique to a certain aesthetic anyone and everyone seems to have it although it is usually reserved for super twinks or young boys. It is most definitely a good sign that the wearer is battin' for the home team
however you should note that idiotic jocks/SoCal broskis have picked up on this style and can be seen sporting it.

Overall rating: *****
Helpfulness with gaydar: ***


2. The "Emo"/Male Farrah Fawcet 'do
Origin: We also can't agree on a specific year that we noticed it, being in Texas David has a disadvantage it takes awhile for style to get down there he claims it came about in 2006 I say the earliest I was it was around 2002ish when practically asexual Brandon Boyd and gay-yet-not Davey Havock were rocking versions of it.

Description:
The only real examples I can think of for this haircut are none other than gay internet superstars William Sledd (whom I adore) and that twatty vegan brat Matthew Lush (GayGod to you fangirls) usually characterized be a swooping bang or long shaggy hair that is kind of a shake and go style. Perfect morning after hair because it pretty much looks the same no matter what you do to it. I lumped these two together although they are pretty different the emo is more out there and tends to be a bit greasy looking and the farrah is more pristine there's def some aqua net or gel being used to create this helmet hair

Typical Wearer;
Emo: Usually accompanied by Polo/Small tee/flare jeans/courds
Male Farrah: Gap or Diesel jeans, cardigans, pull over sweaters, button ups, banana republic shirts

Overall Rating: *****
Helpfulness with Gaydar: ***** However you must pay attention to the clothing and nuances of the boy in question

3. The "I'm too surfer-dude to care about my hair" but this cut cost $75
Origin: Although he's not gay we can definitely blame this one on Brad Pitt! Sometime around 2002 he was spotted with a gnarly beard and long surfer hair a la Jeff Spiccoli I believe he was at the Emmy's when this hair do was first debuted and that’s when the ravenous gays picked it up (you know how they love their award shows)

Description: Exactly what it's name implies, think a surfer with a lot of money

Overall Rating: ***
Helpfulness with Gaydar: ***** It only gets 5 stars if its highlighted or looks well kept

4. Hipster Mullet
This is by far the haircut we hate the most David has yet to see anyone in Texas with it he sees regular mullets but never the hipster mullet I guess to make up for its lack of prevalence in other place its ALL OVER THE GOD DAMN PLACE in S.F. I’m not going to even honor it with anything other than its existence on the list and the plea to all of you guys to cut your mullets

5. Buzzed/Crew Cut
Origin: I honestly don't know its origin I am guessing it's ancient and by ancient I mean about 50 years old, the only connection I could make is Gay men and their love for military men. David likes to pretend this style doesn't exist because it makes him think of Drew Carrey.

No description is really necessary but if you’re that out of the loop go watch Forest Gump or Jarhead (For all you Gyllenhaal fans if you don't feel like actually sitting through Jarhead just fast forward to the part where he's dancing in nothing but a Santa hat on his schlong)

Overall Rating: ***.5
Helpfulness with Gaydar: On older men we give it ***** on younger guys we give it ***