Listen up kids, I'm here to talk about… your heart. My heart. Everyone's hearts. How often do you try to look into your own heart? It's not too easy, is it? For whatever reason, God didn't want it to be easy to look into our own hearts. But you know what? I know the solution.

Get someone else to look into your heart. Find someone you really trust, someone who isn't going to mess with anything in there, and open up your heart to them. Don't be shy. But be careful. Some people will dive right in, and their love will leave a big hole in your heart. Ouch. You'd better keep them close, or you'll be left with a big gaping heart-hole that no one else can fill. And that, my friends, is no fun.

That's the lesson of the day, and—wait… shit. Every time I typed 'heart', I actually meant 'butt'. My bad.


(This article is based on a game I used to play with friends, where you replace the word 'heart' with 'butt' in well-known phrases. Feel free to post your own 'heart' proverbs and whatnot below.)