An Open Letter to the Middle East

So I’m sitting on the John, sipping from my highball of Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi in between bites of chicken parmegian, when my girlfriend yells at me to close the door. “No,” I mutter, “it locks the fumes in,” and continue reading Frank Zappa’s autobiography. That’s when it hits me. “Ow,” I say.

“It” is a magazine, and not a flimsy one either. It’s a National Geographic, and the spines on those things can do some damage, let me tell you. It was hurled by my girlfriend, obviously, and as I grudgingly shut the door, already plotting an elaborate revenge involving fake birth control pills, a night of passionate lovemaking, and a well-placed Planned Parenthood pamphlet, I happen to glance at the cover.

A man I mistakenly recognize as Abraham Lincoln wearing a turban stares back at me, with the caption “Understanding Osama,” emblazoned beneath him. So, as the Frank Zappa book has by this point vanished somehow (I haven’t found it to this day; don’t ask me how), I finish up my visit to Destination Defecation by parusing the article and, folks, let me tell you something: there is some shit going down in the Middle East.

Did you know about this? I mean, this is nominally a humor blog, but I finally figured it was my duty to inform people of the problems being faced out there. As if the heat and whiny Middle Eastern music weren’t suffering enough, the people of this region are being forced to deal with one anothers’ conflicting cultural and religious beliefs.

It’s not like America, where everyone—be it Catholic, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, or Muslim—has the God-given freedom to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour. No, these people have other, different religious beliefs. One’s without a cross even. No church picnics, no Easter, No Jesus Christ Superstar, no nothing.

And they can’t just not hire jews, or keep the black man down, like we do. Their God, who is apparently some sort of invisible lobster, commands that they make unceasing war on them! To make matters worse, they all look alike, so you can imagine the confusion their soldiers are facing on the battlefield.

This is what I gathered from the pictures in the article, anyway. I don’t like reading National Geographic copy; they’re always so snooty.

But one thing I am sure of: if anyone can bring peace to this hotbed of conflict, it’s me, some guy on the internet. So, my message to you Mideasterners out there: seriously, hey, chill out, huh? Be more like the Midwesterners: friendly, but inconsequential to world affairs. If you won’t do it for economic stability, or to put an end to the endless parade of meaningless deaths, then do it for my sake. For your old buddy Michael. Can I get a “loolooloolooloolooloo?”

I hope that clears things up a bit. In any case, I’m finished in the John, so I’m gonna shut down the ‘ol laptop and get wiping. Go in peace, gentle sand apes. And may Jesus rain His Love down upon you like an unceasing barrage of US Missiles.

Love Missiles.