You're named after Franklin Pierce, the alcoholic former president who re-opened the question of slavery in the west. What a person to celebrate. Hey, without Franklin Pierce, there might not have been a civil war. It's only fitting to name your school after him, since your campus still looks like America did during his presidency.

Wow, you guys are in the middle of nowhere. You shouldn't need hiking boots and road flairs to get to class. I've performed at a lot of colleges, but this was the first time I've done standup at a summer camp. I would not be the least bit surprised if I found out the Blair Witch was actually filmed at your student center.

I was, however, treated very nicely by everyone there who seemed to enjoy going to school on the set of Cabin Fever, and some people even baked me cupcakes. Which is good, because the nearest restaurant is 73 miles away. Overall, I enjoyed myself – and the next time I want to get killed by a maniac in the woods, I'm totally there.

A noted historian wrote that Franklin Pierce was "a good man who didn't understand his own shortcomings." Maybe it's an apt name after all.

Thanks for having me. Go Ravens!