Wow, good times this weekend.You went to that party on the hill.There were so many hot chicks.You definitely had one too many though didn’t you.I know what went through your mind.Some of those ideas I’m not too sure about.I saw you macking it. I like where your heads at but let’s fine tune this decision making process.

This first girl you’re chatting it up with is a good call man. She was hot but she looked familiar.You were thinking that too?Did your buddy go out with her like three months ago?No wonder he’s eying you down from across the way.I’m not sure about the ruling on this but Burt Reynolds said it was at least a six month waiting period here.I trust Burt above all men in this situation.You better get a move on before your friend comes to see you.

After a little stop at the keg who’s the next contestant.You pour some beer for the girl behind you, that’s smooth Casanova.You should move away from the crowd and talk a little bit.You’re not that drunk where you can’t be civil.I can’t believe you just asked her what her major is.How lame can you get?She doesn’t have a major.She’s actually in your little brother’s high school class.No, don’t you dare get her digits you dirty pedophile.Well, only if you’re going to give them to your brother.Is this where all the hot high school girls were when you were in your basement drinking 40’s?No, just get out of there; you have got to ID harder than a bar out here sometimes.

Another drink later, you’re looking at the ex aren’t you?Just stop already it’s been like 8 months she hasn’t called, she hasn’t answered your voice mails/text messages/emails/letters.Seriously it’s enough; I draw the line at 50 unanswered attempts.Wait, where is she going?She saw you looking at her.Oh, it’s her friend you want to talk to.I don’t know man; the ex can be vicious at times.Wait until she goes for a drink at least.There she goes make a move.Ah, Laura now you remember who she is.She remembers you too.No don’t call over Jen.No you don’t… Well, that puts an end to that.Here’s to another four months of therapy.

I guess it’s time to join the heard of keg buffalo.Have a drink, another can’t hurt.And another. And another.And another.And another.And another… Christina finally came by.Yea, go cry on her shoulder about Jen.You are right she does look good tonight.You can’t do that though she’s been your best friend since you were seven.No she doesn’t have a crush on you that only happens in movies.Don’t make a move.Seriously, don’t do it.Great now she thinks you’re an idiot. You are so lucky she’ll forgive you come Monday.You have got to stop drinking.

Where did you get that bottle from?Listen I’m trying here but you just aren’t listening anymore.I’ll be here to tell you the bad news tomorrow though after a few Advil and a bottle of water.Where are you taking me now?Whoa, now come on man don’t go after her.I swear if you wake up next to her you better not blame me.I’m serious man.You’ve got to be kidding me the major question again?You’re ripped and you can’t think of anything better to ask.Sure, go ahead keep talking.I pray you don’t make your move.There’s a tap on the shoulder.Sure, I’ll hold you for a keg stand.

You got lucky Mike kicked you in the face when he was coming down.Another beer won’t take away that black eye man.Where are you stumbling to now?You know that’s one girl right?She doesn’t have a frozen steak to put on your eye so I don’t know why you’re going over there.Again with the major line! You can’t be serious.I don’t even know who you are anymore.Wow, she’s got some hot friends though.Definitely try to talk to them.They’re leaving.They’re even taking the fat friend with them.You we just trying to do her a friendly service they didn’t have to be so bitchy about it.

Yes, it’s time to go.Call the cab buddy, you’re not driving tonight.She’s going to give you a ride home.How did you pull that off?See now this is a nice good looking girl.Where was she all night?Tell her about the black eye incident.No, do not use the major line again.She knows you don’t care.Aw, she wants to be a teacher.Invite her up to your room.Score.It took you long enough.Boy did you get lucky.

One month later…

She was a nice girl, said it was her first time.It looks like the guys in the Valtrex ads are still having fun.