Two years ago I created a MySpace after a friend of mine ridiculed me for being "out of the loop." A year and half later I found myself in a restaurant with friends. Someone pulled out a camera and I thought, "Oh great! A pic for my MySpace!" Whoa. I knew then I was in too deep and deleted my profile a few days later.

Recently, I decided to put my toes back in the waters. I mean, the site is useful for keeping in touch with friends you don't like enough to actually call, so what the hell. I created a new space.

This time I developed a few rules for myself to keep from going over the deep end and becoming a MySpace Douchebag. Feel free to use them.

Tips for Avoiding Becoming a MySpace Douchebag

1. Don't put a really "deep" saying in your headline. This includes lines from poetry, the Bible, or bumper stickers. Chances are there are 12,000,000 other people with the same thing.

2. The marital status space on the far left of your profile should suffice to indicate to others regarding your intentions. If you feel the need to post "DON'T HIT ON ME, I'M TAKEN" in 60 pt. font in hot pink letters in your About Me section, chances are that you're giving mixed messages elsewhere. Perhaps it is the pictures of your naked body sliding across the hood of a car covered in caramel sauce that is confusing people. And no, it isn't art.

3. I understand why you want people to message you before requesting an add. Prove your mom raised you right by finding a nice way of saying you don't want to be collected for the sake of a friend count. "Don't f-ing Request Me Without A Message First" is not acceptable.

4. Posting more than one bulletin a day (this in includes "super funny videos) is the fastest way to get me to hate you. I'm too non-confrontational to delete you, but I will hope that someone close to you dies.

Or maybe I will get up the courage to delete you. Then you'll send me a message.

Hey, I just tried to comment you, but we're not friends! wtf?

And then I'll write

Whoa I noticed that too! WTF??!!? Crazy. It's probably one of those "unexpected errors". MySpace sucks! Dammit Tom and Murdoch, fix this site! I'll add you back asap, k? Talk to you later…

Sorry.

5. I know MySpace doesn't come with an instructional video, but most would agree that About Me is a pretty clear title for a section. The following are unacceptable descriptions of your inner being:

I love music

Wow really? Me too! You know what else I like? Sitting, standing, and bedtime. Please use adjectives and descriptions that set you apart from the rest of humanity.

I'm real. I only talk to real people. Fake people, keep walking.

I already know you weren't breastfed or held as a child. Why so angry little one? We're all phony sometimes so get over it.

Leave your bullshit at the door.

Hmmm..actually I prefer to carry it around in my pocket so it makes a nice bullshit shaped wet stain on my pants. FYI, bullshit is usually covering up an even more disturbing trait such as neediness or psychopathic rage, so embrace it.

I enjoy water in all its forms.

I saw this on a profile once and never forgot it. Don't say something stupid in your About Me section. I enjoy poetry as much as the next person and write silly things all the time, but that is neither poetic or hilarious. It's just weird.

6. Write at least one blog so that people can get a sense of who you are. Your list of obscure music and 1,483 friends don't say as much as you think they do.

7. Why do you have 1,483 friends? I barely talk to three people a week and consider myself somewhat normal. Do you really have an intimate network of over a thousand people? So you buy over one hundred birthday presents a month? I think not.

8. Add requests. I never add random people unless I feel like we could really connect. The following message subject lines will not result in an email being opened.

Hey Shorty, what it is?

Do you like music? Add my band.

I'm rich! (((@@Great Business Opportunity@@)))

Pretend to be normal and then spring the weird shit on me later like a regular person.

9. Comments with massive photos of kittens in a basket with "Have a great day!" will make me lose respect for you.

10. The following people should NOT have MySpaces: dead people, babies, animals and couples (co-dependent anyone?)

I hope this list has helped you. It has helped me. I hope this made you LOL. Omg, I did! Ttyl, I'll brb.