I like the internet. I also like to be amused. This is why I visit www.CollegeHumor.com. Apparently, however, I must be in the minority, because it seems everyone else on the internet is here for one purpose. To one-up everyone else and then to hit on girls they'll never meet (this law stands for females as well as males. Don't pretend like you don't want each other, guys know the truth).
Anyways, if this was a paper I had to turn in for a grade, I'd be doing it last second. It's not, so I'm doing it in my spare time. Weird. I'll put my thesis statement here anyway. There are 5 types of people who post comments on College Humor. Here's a convenient list.
1. He or she who must be best at everything
You drank half a bottle of Jager? They killed the whole thing. You built a Beirut table out of solid gold? Theirs is made of Chief Sitting Bull and all of his tribe's teeth (and theirs has their schools logo on it, you unfaithful fuck). You built a 6 foot tall snow penis which is 600% the size of my own? They made one that's 21 feet tall (2100% the size of my own). Bitch please, you cannot compete with them. Mind you, they have no photo/video evidence of their accomplishment, but don't you DARE challenge them, lest you feel up to being torn up in an online battle of furiously typed insults (you can tell how pissed they are because they used caps).
2. He or she who must insult your school (because it sucks, no matter what)
Most common (lately, anyway) between D1-A football rivals such as OSU/Michigan (go Buckeyes) and USC/Notre Dame (how is this even a rivalry when USC always wins?), but soon will be moving on to D1-A hoops (side note: Way to go, Florida. You lost to freaking Kansas, who hadn't beaten a #1 team since, what, '94? Ew.) Usually the comment involves something around the likes of "OSU SUCKS GO WOLVES! REMATCH BABY!!! (P.S. not happening), but sometimes it can come from someone at East Bumfuck Tech trying to jump on the bandwagon (see: Rob Chipman from Niagara in@@link:0@@ Either way, you're all wrong in some way, shape, or form.
[picture:83560:small:This is real.]3. "Photoshopped"
4. Girls trying too hard to be the best on CH
I'm cool. I'm happenin'. I'm "phat" and "McFly". Let me tell you, from guy to girl, what's going on here. When you try really hard to make the funny comment, say the right thing, or get in the perfect insult, no one likes you. If your picture is you being really friendly and your comments are nice, lighthearted, and make people say "hahaaaaa, nice!" and not "shut your fucking mouth, you dumb skunt" (props to Amir), then you're doing it right. In fact, this goes for guys too. Except the thing about your picture. No one likes shirtless dudes.
5. "This is my first (and probably last) post"
Y'know, these people are alright in my book. Unless the post is "OMG 1ST POST LOL NICE PIX!!!111TWO" or "THAT GIRL IS HAVE NICE BOOB5!!" Those aren't that good. "Zing!" is acceptable, along with the casual "hah, nice!" I guess what I'm getting at is that, as they saying goes, there are no second impressions, so don't let your 1st one be "I'm retarded."
That's all for now. I'll have more nuggets of joy later.
-Rob Mo, OUT
By the way, no one cares if a picture or video reminds you of something you and your CRRRRRRRAAAAZZZZYYYYYY friends did. Seriously, no one.