I haven’t gotten laid in six months, and Global Warming apparently is to blame, say local scientists.
“Hey we know that climate affects mating habits,” said local scientist Mo Filby (disclosure: Mr. Filby is also my cousin). “And what else could possibly explain a dry spell like that?”
Other scientists seem to concur. When asked, “if it’s getting so hot around here, why wouldn’t women just want to take their clothes off?”, scientist and zoo worker Ferdie Nash replied, “Just because they take their clothes off doesn’t mean they’re going to sleep with you.” (Disclosure: Ferdie is Mr. Filby’s girlfriend).
Mr. Filby explained, “It’s not that they’re getting hot, it’s that you’re getting dry. Let’s just say that there seems to be a very specfic climatological pheneomenon in the area of your home that repels the opposite sex. I don’t think it’s implausible at all that some areas of town are harder hit by global warming than others. Something is obviously drying up your sex appeal.”
Update: the dry spell came to an abrupt end last night when Ms. Nash fucked me on the floor of an empty gorilla exhibit. Mr. Filby could not be reached for comment.Written by Mr. Beale