Holy shit. America has been talking about it for the last six months.
When we lifted the prototype from the vat of molten lava in which it was forged, even we were knocked on our asses. Our designers went back over the blueprints. “We designed it,” they said, “but who made it live?”
It’s OriginalUnoriginal’s ou-Phone, of course–the kind of technology that you expect to get only when Michael J. Fox brings it back from the future. Or perhaps it’s what E.T. used at “home”.
What makes it different? How about a phone with a full-sized fold-out QWERTY keyboard? How about a phone in which you can store all your music?* How about a phone with a dialing mechanism that has up to 360 degree rotational functionality?
We’re talking about a revolutionary user interface. We call it the ou-Phone audio-tactile-feedback click-wheel. Want to dial a 1? Drag the wheel a full turn, and then listen to it click all the way back. That’s right. A 1 sounds and feels different from a 2.
(Is this blowing your fucking mind? It’s still blowing our fucking minds. Jesus. I’ve used more profanity in this review than I use on the average night I get drunk with my mom).
But there’s more. The ou-Phone is portable. One handle let’s you pick up the entire device. (A “device”–we really don’t know what to call it. Is it really a phone? We could just as well call it a stereo. Or a typewriter).
Portability: Pick it up, and walk down the street with it. Put it right to your ear. Listen to your music on you phone while you’re walking down the street!
I know, this is all too good to be true. There can’t be more. Well there is more. All that walking has made you hungry. Well just turn the ou-phone around. You’re not going to believe what you see. There’s an entire portable rotisserie in the back. Make yourself a fucking turkey while you talk on your phone and listen to your music! You’ll be sitting on the pavement waiting for your fucking turkey for about 3-4 hours; but it will be exactly like being at home cooking a fucking turkey in a real oven, listening to your music on your stereo, talking to your friend on the phone, and typing up a term paper. But you won’t be in the comfort of your home!
It should go without saying that OriginalUnoriginal has more surprises ins store for you: like the fact that the ou-Phone COMES WITH a 15 pound turkey as well as 16 D batteries. You’re good to go as soon as you get your new ou-Phone out of its box, do a little minor assembly**, defrost your turkey***, insert your batteries, and send in your anti-piracy registration card to receive the combination to the heavy duty multiple-dial lock****.
Enjoy your little piece of the future. It’s the OriginalUnoriginal ou-Phone: Haul your life around with you.* Where all your music is defined as “a cassette tape”.
** Hammer, nails, blowtorch, and duct tape required.
Please comply with your local dry ice disposal ordinances.
* 3-15 weeks required for delivery. Please do not try to remove combination lock with a hacksaw.Written by Mr. Beale