Hey Sister. No, I wasn’t doing anything important. The ten page paper I was working on that’s due tomorrow? Nah. I’ll get to that after we have this totally important conversation.

Oh? Your live-in ex-boyfriend is still a dick? I’m shocked! This isn’t at all congruent with how kind and gentle he was before, by whispering adorable things like, “I’d do her” and “I’m a slut in a fat man’s body” into your ear before the two of you were even together.

He called you psycho? Crazy! Why would he do that? Because you check his e-mail eight times a day and he doesn’t know you have the password? Well what red-blooded woman doesn’t do that kind of thing?!

Do I do that kind of thing? No. I have this weird system based on trust and privacy… It hasn’t worked out for me very well yet, but I still have high hopes. Yeah, I know that kind of thing hasn’t been in fashion since the fifties. Weren’t we talking about your dysfunctional life? Good. Let’s get back on topic, shall we?

That clicking? Oh, that was call waiting. A guy who’s in love with me. No, I can talk to him later. No, not later tonight. There’s a time difference and I can’t call him back. No, don’t apologize. I’d much rather hear about how you’re in the process of dying your hair the same shade of red it’s been since 1998!

Stop. Stop crying. No, Vistaril and rum doesn’t sound like a very good cocktail to me. I like to keep my tranquilizers and booze separate. You know me, always wanting more for my money. Yeah. That is another way to say I’m cheap. As always, thanks for your valuable insight.

Yeah! I did see the sale at Target. I picked up some sheets. You too? The purple ones? Fascinating. The rainbow firefly shower curtain you say? Riveting.

Oh, that presentation I have on Thursday that’s worth one third of my grade in a class I have to pass for my major? Don’t worry about it! Talking to you for an hour a day is a much better way to spend my time!

The mall you say? With another woman? Well that must've been thrilling, why don't you tell me all about it? Shopping. Amazing! Lunch? Terific! More shopping? It's as exhilarating as having a roller coaster ride described to me indescribable detail by indescribable detail!

My job? Well, it—oh? Yours is like a fishbowl and you hate it? You’re at a high school wrestling match right now? You’ve been there since eight this morning and haven't had to treat anybody yet? The things people are forced to do for money! The horrors!

Your therapist said what? That he’s more messed up than you? Are you sure, because—Oh, so you are sure. OK! Well I’m glad we got that cleared up.

You have to go? So soon? Damn, this exchange was so full of depth and feeling I wish it could’ve lasted forever. Yeah, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Can’t wait! Smooches!