1) you are in bed by 10, so i can fuck my girlfriend in the den
2) you don't touch my shit without permission. if i find out you did, i'll belt you
3) we order sausage and beef pizza every night, and we eat together in silence while we watch either matlock reruns or the price is right sapped in portuguese. if you refuse, i'll belt you
4) when i study, there is total silence in the apartment. if you slip up and make noise, i'll slip up some rat poison into your drink. then i'll belt your corpse
5) any food bought by you is up for grabs, but if i bought it and find out you touched it, i'll punish you. don't fuck with me
6) we'll only tivo shows i want to watch, so i can keep them on the hard drive for as long as i want. if you want to record a show, you can write a statement of purpose and start a petition requiring 10,000 signatures. then i'll think about it
7) I will provide you with access in and out of the apartment. Your own key will be extraneous and unnecessary. If you want in and I'm not home, make shelter.
8) All items mutually purchased by you and I will, at the terminus of the year, be bequeathed to me without argument or struggle. Failure to comply will result in a bullet wound on a body part of my choice. And I'll belt you.
9) You will nay use the phone while I am either present or not present, as your worthless conversations will contaminate the atmosphere, rendering the offhand possibility that I might catch a bad case of shmuck.
10) If you have to ask, ask my assistant
11) No touching any artifact, regardless of possession, inside the confines of the apartment. Failure to comply will result in full confisgation and burning of all your shit, unless deemed valuable in which case I will sell on Craigslist and use the money to rape a hooker.
12) Alcohol is only permitted on whichever day that I desire which will, by default, fall on a day where you have too much work to drink. Tough shit
13) Any religiously affiliated activites will be directed, in spirit, towards Neal and praying to him for guidance and nirvana is encouraged.
14) if you don't like any of my rules, you can kill yourself. no one likes you anyways, trust me