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Founding Fathers

by CH Interns on


THOMAS JEFFERSON: Fellow congressmen, I have at last completed our Declaration of Independence. Who among you will be the first to sign this document?

JOHN ADAMS: I shall give my signature—

JOHN HANCOCK: No, that’s cool, Adams. Step aside, I got this one.

THOMAS JEFFERSON: My goodness, Mr. Hancock. You’ve taken up quite a large portion of parchment with your signature.

JOHN HANCOCK: Oh, did I? I hadn’t noticed. Well, at least nowKing George shall know who is the greatest patriot of all!

THOMAS JEFFERSON: I suppose. Why don’t you hand the quill to Mr. Adams?

JOHN HANCOCK: Of course. Here you go, John… Hmm, I see you’ve put your John Hancock close to mine. Well done!

JOHN ADAMS: My what?

JOHN HANCOCK: Ah, you’re all putting your Hancocks on here now! How marvelous!

JOHN ADAMS: Stop calling it that.

JOHN HANCOCK: That’s a mighty fine JH you’ve stamped on there, Mr. Franklin.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Why thank you, Mr. Hancock. But it’s nowhere near the girth of your John Hancock. I can’t even read mine without wearing my Franklin bifocals.

JOHN ADAMS: Franklin bifocals?

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Yes, I just invented them. You wear them to improve your vision.

JOHN HANCOCK: What a wonderful invention! Would you mind putting your John Hancock on my Franklin bifocals, Mr. Franklin?

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Of course. I believe I left my pen near the Franklin Stove. By the way, I just invented a new stove, everyone. It only costs a few Benjamins if you’re interested in purchasing one.

JOHN ADAMS: “A few Benjamins!” This is outrageous! Friends, I did not declare independence so my compatriots could name things after themselves. Do none of you agree?

SAM ADAMS: Gentlemen, please. Your words are so bitter.

THOMAS JEFFERSON: At last, a voice of reason amongst this crowd.

SAM ADAMS: Yes, bitter. Not at all like my award-winning Summer Wheat Ale. Made from only the finest hops. Let us uncork a cool, refreshing cask of Sam Adams right now!

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Admiral D!ck

I use to work at a Military Rec. Center in the boat rental. The rules were easy 1.first come first serve, 2.rank does not matter, 3.and have a military id, will travel; they could rent boats and go fishing or partying. 6 months prior to graduating boot camp a group of marines reserved the "party barge" (BIG a$$ pontoon) this also happened to be Memorial Weekend.... Read More » Soo, the fresh little newbie's have loaded up the party barge with beer and what not and this Navy Admiral walks up without reservations and orders them to "Disembark and relinquish" the boat. All the new marines snap to attention and start unloading. The admiral than orders them to leave there fishing equipment and beer to save him time and expense. Seeing this I walk up and inform the Admiral "no reservations, no boat, your sol." Admiral orders to see my boss (I am the boss) and say "go to the big white house in DC and file your complaint there" Admiral "What's your name and rank! I'll have you marshaled!" Me "my name is ___" having no rank because I'm a civilian I stick my butt out and while pointing to my posterior "my rank is kiss this." Mr. Admiral d!ck wad storms off mumbling something about MPs and I help the marines out of the dock and with them a happy party. I do so love p!ssing of military officers.