My Neighbors Took My First Trick-or-Treating Very Seriously

NEIGHBOR: Owwwww!!!Who dares disturbthis werewolf from his slumber? Ah,what have we here? A tasty little boy for me to devour!

ME: Daddy, I’m scared!

DAD: (Laughing.)Everything’s OK, Patrick. It’s just one of our neighbors getting into the Haloween spirit.

NEIGHBOR: No, listen not to your father, young one. I am as real as the night. And twice as deadly. And all who trespass upon this forsaken land will feel the grip of my razor-sharp claws.

ME: (Screams.)

DAD: No, no. Heh. He’s just pretending, Patrick. Really. (to neighbor) Hey buddy, why don’t you be a sport and take the getup off so my kid can see you?

ME: Why are you talking to a werewolf, Daddy?

NEIGHBOR: He is pleading for your infant soul, daywalker. Trying to spare you a slow, excruciating death as I tear the flesh from your bones.

ME: Ahhhhhh!

NEIGHBOR: Jesus! Can you tone it downa bit? He’s onlysix, for Christ’s sake!

NEIGHBOR: I will gouge out the lad’s eyes and suck the sweet, baptised blood from his writhing body. Then dance ‘round a bonfire of harlots and ginger branches with a harem ofnaked wiccans.

DAD: That’s it, pal. I’m gonna break your ass —

NEIGHBOR: Argh! The Thirst! Will it never be quenched?! My belly is filled with manflesh, yet the hunger… the hunger remains.

DAD: Let’s try the next house, Patrick.

NEIGHBOR: Yes, heed your father’s words, daywalker. Flee as fast as your mortal legs will scamper! But here, take this pistol — the Blood Moon rises as the Witching Hour draws near. Should I turn, please, put me out of my eternal misery.