Review: The Simpsons Movie (Official Donut)

WARNING – THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SPOILERS ABOUT THE SIMPSONS MOVIE OFFICIAL DONUT! PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW HOW THE DONUT ENDS!

OK, so I know I’m a little late on this, but this summer’s been incredibly busy. After a long day of moving heavy items up six flights of stairs, I decided to stop by the local 7-11 to finally pick up that Official Simpsons Movie Donut I’ve been eyeballing. It’s one thing to like the Simpsons enough to go out of your way to buy an otherwise ordinary donut, but this wasn’t about that. On the movie trailer, when the logo is shown at the end, a bite is taken out of the donut and some sort of purple-ish goo drips out. Go ahead, watch the trailer so you know what I’m talking about.

…

See it? It’s a very rare thing when a donut with a hole in the middle ALSO has some kind of filling. Truly this “Official Donut” was something worth getting excited over. While I’m not exactly a fan of purple goo (if I had to rank, I’d say green goo, cream goo, possibly red goo coming in third), if it was inside a donut, then damn it, I was going to eat it.

I must admit, the thing looked awesome. The pink was really bright, the sprinkles were satisfactorily distributed…all signs pointed to this being one of the best moments I would ever experience in my life.



I put on my favorite BustedTee and posed for a shot with my little treasure. But don’t let my smile fool you…something was…wrong. As I lifted the donut, I couldn’t help but notice that it felt a little light. It felt like something was…missing.



I curiously took a bite of it. The anticipation coursed through my veins. My adrenaline was pumping. Was I going to be disappointed?



I chewed…and…

God…DAMN…it…

WHERE IS THE GOO?!



LOOK AT THAT!! Not one drop of purple goo. Still not willing to accept that the Simpsons had lied to me, I took another bite. Maybe I just got a crappy one, and the goo was all pushed to one side or something. That was definitely what happened. Because there’s no way that the official logo’s donut has goo and the official donut does not.



Ah, fuck this.



This picture does not even come close to capturing my disgust. In case you didn’t go back and take a look at the trailer, here’s a picture of the donut in the logo. I’ll let you be the judge.



I mean…it’s AS CLEAR AS DAY. PURPLE…FREAKING…GOO. Look, it’s even squirting out. The logo donut is BURSTING with so much purple goo it’s literally SPLASHING OUT OF THE DONUT. Now how, pray tell, can you make an OFFICIAL REAL DONUT that is not the same as the OFFICIAL LOGO DONUT?!



I can’t even look at you, donut. Turn your bullshit non goo filled center away from me. You are nothing more than an “official” piece of crap. The Simpsons have been disappointing me on and off for a very long time, but this…THIS… I may never be able to recover from.

On a scale of 1 to 10 with “1” being the worst and “10” being the best, I give the Simpsons Official Movie Donut a “Go Fuck Yourself”. All the money that was spent on marketing this movie…yet they couldn’t spring the extra bucks for purple goo and make an accurate donut? Shame on you 7-11. Shame on you Matt Groening. And shame on me for being fooled into eating this 89 cent piece of garbage.

If anyone else out there feels they have been mislead by the renegade tactics of the Donut, please contact me, as I am putting together a class action lawsuit.